Still Hard to Believe...

The other day I was chatting with someone about class reunions, commenting on how it's hard to believe that I graduated from high school 28 years ago.... unbelievable! So much has happened between then and now, yet it doesn't feel like it's been that long. I truly don't feel that old.

During the day of calling hours, the fact that Austin was dead was still surreal. As I watched Austin's body lying in the casket, a thought kept popping in my head, "Wouldn't it be crazy if he suddenly sits up, says 'Boo! Just kidding...' and then laughs." Because that was Austin, always up for a good prank.

Only this time it wasn't a joke. And it's hard to believe that it's been almost 2 years since I said good-bye.

Today was one of those "Austin days," the kind of day I mentioned in an earlier blog (3/23/12... Just Like Yesterday). No matter what I was doing I kept thinking, "OK Austin, you can come back - anytime now. Jokes over...." Only I know it isn't a joke. He isn't coming back. Sometimes it doesn't feel like the calling hours and funeral were almost 2 years ago (22 months, 2 weeks to be exact). 22 months! Unbelievable.....

I wonder if this is how I will feel in 26 years, when Austin has been gone for 28 years. Will it seem like just yesterday? Will it still be hard to believe?

Forever 21...

Birthdays become an interesting event after a child dies - at least they have been for me. I had thought that it would be Austin's birthday that would be the most difficult, that would weigh heaviest on my heart. I thought it would be on that day that I would be reminded of what was to never be any more. Interesting thing, that's not how it has been for me.

We have remembered Austin's birthday twice since he left us and both times my thoughts tended to go to the day he was born, remembering him as a precious, chubby baby with black hair and blue eyes. I'd smile as I thought how he grew up to be a lean, dirty blond, blue eyed boy with the same charm he came into this world with. As I posted on Austin's last birthday, I will always wonder who he'd be today - what mischief he'd be up to, what his next adventure would be, what next project he'd be working on. They have been bittersweet memories and thoughts, but not as hard as I had anticipated.

This past January and February both of my other boys celebrated their birthdays, one turned 14, the other 12. Interestingly, these were the difficult birthdays. I remember thinking both days, "I need to make sure I make today special, even though my heart is heavy. It is not fair to the birthday boy for me to be sad on this important day, a day both boys look forward to all year - the day one turns a year older." So, I would focus on making sure their birthday was special, never letting them know where my mind and heart was. (I should point out that we have never been ones to do real big celebrations on birthdays - usually it consists of a couple presents, a cake, and a dinner out the restaurant of their choice. Some years we have even postponed the dinner portion to another day, due to sport's practice or Mike's being out of town. which actually works to the birthday boy's favor, as he gets to stretch out his birthday celebration.)

I mentioned how I was feeling to Mike, and to my surprise he felt the same way. That's when I realized.... when someone dies young they will always be the age they were when they left this world. Austin will always be carefree and 21, still figuring out where life was taking him, still figuring out what he wanted to be "when he grew up". And this is why, the days my other two boys turn a year older are a reminder that Austin will be "forever 21" (21 years and 9 months to be more specific).

A couple months ago, as I was watching my middle son, noticing how much he has matured physically this  past year, a thought hit me, "When Austin's younger brothers pass the age of 21, turning 22, then 25, 30, 40..., will Austin, in my mind, go from being my oldest son to being my youngest?"  Because, there will now come a day when Austin's brothers will enter years Austin never experienced. They will experience things Austin never got to because he never made it to that age. Over the years, I have always related where my two younger boys are with where Austin was at various ages. For example, when one of them was getting up every night in the middle of the night, I would think "I remember when Austin didn't sleep through the night. He eventually did, so I know that time will eventually come for this one too..." Or, when one of the boys was testing the limits I would remember Austin did that too, and we made it through. So there's hope!

A few weeks ago we were at a wrestling tournament. Starving, I walked to the cafeteria to grab a bite to eat. As I entered the seating area I noticed my 14 year old sitting with his friend at a table. I purchased my food and proceeded to find a place to eat, making sure it wasn't right next to the boys. You see, my son is at the age where it is not "cool" to have your mom sit with you when other kids are around. I could have tortured him, the thought even flashed through my mind briefly, by plopping myself down in the seat next to him - but decided to be nice, for once, and give him his space. He saw me sitting alone, but never offered me to join him.... yep, he's definitely 14!

As I was enjoying  my nachos, watching my son and his friend, I smiled remembering the years that Austin was just the same - when we were out in public and I walked into a room he and his freinds were in, Austin purposely avoided eye contact, hoping I wouldn't walk over and embarrass him. Then, my mind fast forwarded to 2010 Memorial Day week-end, when Austin actually invited us to join him at a Memorial Day gathering. When we walked up the driveway he didn't turn his head hoping we wouldn't see him, but rather he came out, greeted us with big hugs and introduced us to all his friends.... yep, my 14 year old son will grow out of this phase, just like Austin did!

Birthdays are a strong reminder of how life changes. They are a reminder that there will come a day when I will have no "bench markers" of Austin's life to use for my other two sons. There will come a day when my middle son will start leading the way into the different stages of life that both boys will experience, stages Austin never reached....

Austin will always be my first-born son, but he is now "forever 21"!

Just Like Yesterday

This past month has been unbelievable in regards to weather. In fact, yesterday felt like not a cold March day, but rather a beautiful late June day with the sun shining, a very light breeze blowing and the sound of birds chirping coming through the open window. It was a perfect day.

So why, then, did an aching sadness wash over me as I was sitting in Austin's room, folding clothes. (His room doubles as a guest room and laundry folding room.) I could not put my finger on the reason.For a minute I thought it might be all the motorcyclists I noticed on the road, as I drove through town - more than I've ever seen in one day. Every time I came upon one (or two or three), which was about every three to four minutes, I thought of Austin and said a quick prayer for the safety of all motorcyclists on the road that day. But, I knew that wasn't the cause of my feelings. So, I simply chalked it up to just one of those times when out of the blue my heart ached for and missed Austin.

Then today, while walking into the house, smelling the fresh, warm air, it hit me... yesterday was identical to the morning I got The Call. After I hung up the phone with the doctor and with everyone I needed to contact immediately, I waited for my brother to get home, who was riding with us to NY. I tried to pull together, in my mind, everything that needed to be done. I walked out to my backyard, and sat on the patio swing, and tried to figure out what was going on, but I didn't know what to think, what to do. So, I just sat there, while the light breeze touched my face and the sun beat down on me. Any other time it would have been a perfect late-June day, any other time...

Throughout my life there have been certain smells, sounds, foods, and other things that bring back memories, and make it feel as though it was "just like yesterday"  - the smell of the shampoo I used in college, a crisp fall day like the days of high school football games, the laughter of a baby so similar to my own boys' laughter at that age, the woody smell that met me every time I walked into the entry way at my Grandma's (I loved those visits), the list goes on and on - and now I have one more to add to the list... one that will always remind me of a late June day, one that will always be etched in my heart.

A friend of Austin's told me that whenever she has a day that Austin seems to be on her mind and is everywhere she turns, one when the missing of Austin is a little stronger than most days, she says she's having an "Austin Day". I've borrowed that term several times since then, and now am adding to it. I think there will be times that I find myself having an "Austin June Day" - even when it's not June. And now that I've been able to identify this feeling, I will simply embrace it, accept it, and call it by name, knowing that it is one more sign that Austin's sunshine and warmth will always be with me!

One More Minute...

Yesterday, I attended a soul care retreat for women. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. In fact, I was very hesitant to attend and almost backed out at the last minute, thinking, "This is the only week-end I've had or will have without a sport event for the boys. I'm not sure if I want to spend it inside with a bunch of women all day." But, I'd made a commitment to a friend and so I went. When we arrived and were given instructions my heart sank. We were spending an hour and half in the morning and two hours in the afternoon in silent meditation. "What?!!?!" I thought, "Ugh!"

During the morning I decided to go sit by a small "pond" in the middle of a busy part of the center of town (which was across the street from the church the event was being held at). I found a bench, wiped the water off that was coating the surface, and settled myself to watch a couple ducks swimming around in the water. I was infatuated with the ducks, thinking about the two that have visited my covered pool the past three mornings. As I sat there, some events unfolded that touched my heart. After a half hour I walked back to the church, pulled my journal out, and recorded what I had just observed. Here is what I wrote:

As I sat by the water, with traffic going by unnoticed, listening to the birds chirping, squirrels scampering, and two mallards floating around, splashing in the water, a man and his young daughter (probably around 18 months old) walked onto the little bridge. The ducks swam towards them and the little girl giggled with delight, all the while repeating, "Ducks, ducks. Come here ducks."

The father stood patiently, letting his daughter enjoy the experience - one that brought such joy to her. When it was time to go, the father quietly and gently said, "OK, it's time to go. Let's go see Mom." He picked the little girl up and started walking away. The girl kept saying, "No, see ducks. See ducks!"

The father gently set her back down and said, "We'll stay one more minute, then we need to go." The girl walked back to the bridge to get a better view of the ducks. As she was watching and calling the ducks they swam under the bridge. She had no idea where they went. The father gently said, "Look over here, they're on the other side now." She turned and watched them a few seconds longer. The father then led her away - she was ready to go - there was no kicking and screaming this time.

Isn't that how it is with God? Sometimes we feel a prodding to go, move on. But we say, "Not yet, can I have a little more time? I'm not quite ready." He quietly and patiently waits for us - knowing we may need just a little more time. And then he leads us on down the road of life...

I was going to say every once in a while he'll take us kicking and screaming - but then I thought, "I'm not sure about that. He always gives us free choice..."

A little while later, as I reread what I wrote, my throat caught when I got to "not yet, can I have a little more time?" I thought of Austin and that is what I want to say to God - "not yet, can I have a little more time with Austin?" But I can't.

A few hours later, when I was home, taking a walk, reflecting once again on the scene I had watched unfold at the pond, another thought/image came to mind.... I could see Jesus reaching out to Austin, as he lay on the stretcher, saying, "Come on bud, it's time to go." And I could see Austin looking in awe, at the light and beauty of Heaven and hear him say, "Man... this is awesome!"; then, with a sparkle in his eye and a huge smile on his face, reach out and join Jesus... heading to Heaven!

I am so very thankful I decided not to cancel, as I received a beautiful gift yesterday, watching a father and his daughter.

(I also know, for a fact, that I could never be a monk! Long stretches of quiet and me are not synonymous... usually.)

Certain Things are Hard to Do...

But You Have To KEEP ON LIVING!
Last week as I was looking through Austin's stash of CDs, I stumbled upon a CD that had long-lost photos of the last hiking trip we went on in the Adirondacks. It was Mike, Austin, one of his brothers, and myself. Austin's youngest brother wasn't old enough to join us. As I was clicking through the photos a smile came to my lips as memories popped up from the hike and as I remembered this is one of the reasons Austin had loved the outdoors. For several years Austin would venture on this annual Memorial Day hiking trip (one I had done as a middle schooler / teenager myself) to the Adirondacks with Mike, my dad, and usually a friend. The first few years that Austin did this trek, I was unable to join the crew, as I was home tending to Austin's two younger brothers. But, I always looked forward to hearing the stories when he came home.

Finally, I was able to leave the two little ones home with my mom and relive childhood memories with the Austin and the rest. Then, the following year, Austin's one brother was finally old enough to make the climb with us. These pictures captured the memories of that hike and reminded me of the reason we did it in the first place - the beauty of the mountains, especially from the top, made you stop and be awed by nature.

This was the last hike we did as a family, as our schedules, commitments and priorities changed. Mike and I, at various times, would discuss taking the family on another hike, but we never carved out the time to do it, always having one excuse after another why we couldn't go. After Austin died Mike would intermittently mention that we should take the two boys on a hiking trip. I would quickly dismiss it, because truth be told, the first thought that always came to mind was that Austin wouldn't be with us. How could we go on a hiking trip when for years Austin would have loved to have done another hike, and we never made time to do it. It felt as though we would be betraying him. I think this is what happens sometimes, when we lose someone. We know we have to keep living, but we feel guilty, when those who have died can't join in on the adventure.

As I looked at the photos and the mountainous scenes, views you can only get from the top, the beauty of it all hit me. I thought, "How can I deny Austin's brothers from experiencing this part of life? They are still alive and need to live life, to breath in it's splendor and to experience it's beauty. They need to live life to the  fullest... just like Austin did!"

And I smiled, with tears in my eyes, as I thought of how Austin would agree.... his brothers needed to hike to the top of a mountain and get a glimpse of heaven!

Drive Fast, Take Chances

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
~ Oscar Wilde

Have you ever met someone that just seemed to get life? They weren't afraid to face a challenge. They seemed to have an attitude of, "What's the worse that can happen?"

Have you ever passed up an opportunity because you were afraid of failure, because you didn't want to be embarrassed if you didn't succeed? My question to you is, "So what if you fail? Did you learn from it? Are you a stronger person because of it?"

That is what is meant by "Drive Fast, Take Chances!" Don't let the possibility of the word "No" stop you from stretching yourself and experiencing life.

I was meeting with Austin's friends this week, planning the 2nd Annual "Rembering Austin Narewski" event for this June. We were discussing what design to put on the t-shirts this year. Last year we used the same design that was on the window decals Austin's friends had created after he died. A few of the friends had received ridicule because of the words that were on the decal, "Drive Fast, Take Chances".

I remember when the decals first came out a few of my friends asked me how I felt about them, to which I would respond, "I am fine with them. This is Austin's friends way of remembering and honoring him." Austin's friends were not trying to be disrespectful, they were simply reiterating the words Austin would frequently say and definately lived by. Austin used to say those four words all the time, sometimes I think it was just to get a reaction out of me (along with a loving swat on the side of the head). None of us would encourage anyone to drive fast and recklessly, that is not what these decals meant. They are simply a reminder to all of us of how Austin lived his life. He wasn't afraid to take chances, to do something that made him a little nervous, that took him out of his comfort zone. He wasn't afraid to LIVE LIFE!

There are only two things guaranteed in life. First, we have all been born (that's what birthdays are celebrated for). Second, we will all die (there's no escaping this). It's what we do in the middle that counts... so why not make it the best you can... why not find the joy even in the little things... especially the little things! You only live once - so make it worth living.

Grab life by the handle bars and go for a ride...
Make it the ride of a life time!

Thoughts and Emotions All Over The Place

Every day I think I should write another blog entry. Every day I have so many thoughts running through my head, but I can't seem to get them organized to put to pen. Some of the thoughts are things, feelings, and ideas that I have already mentioned. Some are new reflections on what the past year and a half has brought. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be able to describe what I am thinking in a way that will truly convey my thoughts and feelings.

Tuesday I started my Adobe In-Design class. It's an accelerated course that runs only six weeks, meeting twice a week. The final project is a book. Hmmmm.... if my memory serves me correctly I have been working on a book for over a year now. A book on Livin' Lovin' Life - Austin Style. Yup! I will finally have the book completed.

Maybe that's what my problem has been. I will be working on this book for six weeks and I know that it will take an emotional toll - stirring up memories of Austin. They will be good memories, but ones that will remind me how much I miss him, how much I wish he was here, and how it seems like just yesterday that I spoke with him, but at the same time it seems so long ago.

As I'm writing this blog entry I am becoming more and more certain that the reason I have been unable to write anything since my last entry on 12/24/2012 is because I know my heart can only handle so much reminding of how much it misses Austin.

There is still so much I want to share - reflections, encouragement, thoughts, and memories. I know I will get to them, when the time is right. I also know that I have to listen to my gut, which is telling me that I only have so much emotional energy in a day. Right now it must be reserved for this book. When it's completed I will then be able to share so much more.

And hey, you never know, I may get a burst of energy next week and write another blog.... you just never know. Life is always full of surprises....

PS: As I was going through pictures for the book I stumbled across a picture of the rainbow that was "shining" the day Austin died. It greeted us as we pulled up to my dad's house that afternoon. As I look at it I think, "This is how my mind feels right now - full of all kinds of thoughts and emotions - clouds with sun and beauty shining through, all at the same time..."

Austin's Rainbow