Greeting Cards - Get Me Every Time

It's Valentine's Day. A day when we are supposed to tell the ones we love how much we really do love them. It's just the American way.

Today as I was browsing the Valentine card section at the local CVS (yes, I left it to the last minute), I found the perfect card for my husband and then moved on to the "son" area, looking for cards for my two younger boys. I found it a little difficult to find the right card for two boys, as I didn't want to get them both the same card (how lame would that be). And I couldn't get a card for one boy that said how great he was, and then get a different card for the other one that didn't mention his awesomeness. So it took me a bit to find two cards for the boys. But eventually I succeeded.

As always happens, I find gazillion cards that seem just right for Austin, wishing he was here to send it to (or hand in person) - cards speaking of what a wonderful person he's turned out to be. With my other two boys still teenagers, the only person these cards would be perfect for is Austin....

As I often do, I bought the card. Not with the intention of trying to mail it up to Austin (wouldn't that be amazing if you could send a message to a loved one in heaven), but just because I liked the words it said, how it reminded me of the love I have for Austin, and because it brought me down memory lane, to a time when Austin was visiting us....We were at one of the other boy's football game. I stood back and watched Austin chatting and laughing it up with one of our friends, and I smiled, amazed at what a beautiful young man he was turning out to be....

Sometimes things work out well.
Sometimes life is good.
Like you're given a son to care of and love.
So you try to bring him up right,
to let him know how important he is to you.

And before you know it, he's an adult,
looking you in the eye and grinning
with a smile that comes straight from the heart.

And you think to yourself, "Hey, he turned out good."
And your heart fills up with love...again.

Happy Valentine's Day
to a good man...and a wonderful son.

Happy Valentine's Day Austin!

PS: Personally, I think every day should be Valentine's Day. We should show those we love how important they are to us, through our words and actions, on a daily basis.

Irritate - Irritating - Irritable

Warning: I have been tossing back and forth in my mind whether I should write this entry. It may really irritate some, even my closest friends. But then I thought about what the purpose of this blog is. It's to let others know they are not alone in their grieving process. It's been 3-1/2 years since Austin left us, and I often have to try and discern whether my feelings, emotions, and actions are still part of the grieving process or just a reflection of who I am as a person. Sometimes, as in this case, I think it's a combination of the two.

I started reflecting on this past year (2013), when deciding whether or not I should write this entry, and realized, "Wow! There's been a lot going on in my life, including a new grieving - for my dad. Most likely, I'm not the only one who's been going through rough times. In fact, I've read numerous Facebook postings from friends and acquaintances which indicate that 2013 was a tough year for many, and some may be reacting the same I have."

Before I jump into the actual entry, I feel a background of the end of 2012 and most of 2013 is needed:

• Mid 2012 - I embarked on a 9-month contract job that turned into more than I expected - more hours and a much longer commute. It was a wonderful experience, I learned a lot and grew from it - both personally and professionally - but it was a huge stressor.
• Thanksgiving / Christmas 2012- Due to other commitments, we did not make it home to visit family for the holidays. Little did I know that I would never spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with my dad again.
• Late 2012 to January 2013 - my grandfather-in-law (98 years old), whom my husband was very close to, was experiencing significant health problems.
• December 2012 - my husband had surgery on his shoulder.
• January 2013 - my middle son was diagnosed with Pars Defect (fractures in the L5 vertebrae), and battled this all year. (Severe pain in lower back.)
• January 2013 - my grandfather-in-law passed away.

Austin with his great grandpa (my grandfather-in-law)

• January 2013 -My mother-in-law tore her ligament in her shoulder (this occurred the day before my grandfather-in-law's funeral.)
• April 2013 - my dad passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly, from a massive heart attack.

Austin with his grandpa (my dad) at his technical school graduation

• April 2013 (one week after my dad's funeral) - my mother-in-law was diagnosed with heart problems, and had heart surgery.
• ~May 2013 - my mother-in-law had additional heart surgery.
• July 2013 - my middle son broke his wrist
• Fall 2013 - my youngest son had a concussion
• ~Fall 2013 - my mother-in-law had additional heart surgery. (Dates for May and Fall are a little muddled in my mind, so these are approximations.)
• Thanksgiving and Christmas 2013 - were very different. A huge hole was felt without my Dad and Austin. (This is for another blog entry, though.)

 

Whew! I didn't realize what a busy year I had, until I put it all on paper.

Pisspot: a mean, nasty person
Irritate: to make (someone) impatient, angry, or annoyed; to provoke impatience, anger, or displeasure it; to induce irritability in or of
Irritated: subjected to irritation; especially: roughened, reddened, or inflamed by an irritant
Synonyms of irritate: aggravate, annoy, bother, bug, exasperate, grate, irk, nettle, get on one's nerves, rub the wrong way.

Over the past year (possibly year-and-half) I found myself having a pisspot attitude, being irritated with everyone! Someone would call me with a simple question - I'd be irritated. Someone asked me to do something - I'd be irritated. Someone would offer to help me with something - I'd be irritated. Someone would call me to tell me something - I'd be irritated. Basically - I was irritated all the time. A true pisspot!

Before you get really irritated at me, let me assure you that nothing and no one was off-limits. It was nothing anyone had done. I was just irritable. Heck, I even irritated myself!

I have always held a philosophy, and often share it with my boys - there are times when someone is grumpy or curt with you, even though you have done nothing wrong. When this happens, you need to ask yourself, "Did I do something wrong or mean that would give this person 'permission' to be mad at me?" If the answer is "no", then you need to realize that it is the miserable person's problem, not yours.

All year long, the question I had to ask myself was, "Is this person irritating, am I irritated for a specific reason, or am I simply irritable?" I am ashamed to admit that ninety-five percent of the time, my answer was, "I am simply irritable." I had no specific reason, I was just irritated. This is probably part of the reason that, over the past year, I decided to stay more to myself than is normal, for me. (See previous posting.) After all, who would want to be around an irritable, pisspot person? Not me!

I knew there was something wrong. I knew I wasn't behaving like "myself", I love people! But here I was, always irritated. I can visualize clearly the day I realized I had to change. The day I did change.... I called the company that does maintenance on our heating system. I didn't like the answer the account representative gave me, so I was snippy - extremely snippy. I hung up the phone and thought to myself, "Wow! You were really a b%tch. What is wrong with you?"

A few minutes later I called back, profusely apologizing. It was freeing to apologize and admit I was a jerk. It was at this point I decided that enough was enough. Everyone has issues they're dealing with. What right do I have to treat people the way I have been over the past year (even if, at times, it was only in my mind).

From that day forward, I have found myself liking people. (The way I used to!) I have found a skip in my step and am enjoying life more than I have in a long time. The majority of individuals out there are good people and they deserve to be treated like it!

To all those I have been irritable to in the past, I am truly, truly sorry!

There are times in our lives that we start having a pisspot attitude. I truly believe that when we step back and realize it is our problem, not others, we can change. We can have the 'right' attitude, even in difficult times.

Don't be too hard on yourself, if you've found yourself irritable, but own that problem. When we are able to recognize this, we can then truly enjoy life, and bless those around us. Who knows, maybe they are going through a rough patch too. Why not add a little sunshine to their day?

We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them. -Epictetus

Interruptions and Lack of Control

I tend to like to be in control.

I know for those of you who know me, the above statement is a surprise for you to hear.... or maybe not. When there is a problem, I get a little razzled for a bit, then step back and figure out a solution. And this has worked quite well for me, most of the time. But what do you do when a quick fix is not possible? What do you do when what you envisioned gets turned upside down? When your plans for life don't go the way you thought they would go?

This could happen if you suddenly lose your job, your spouse asks for a divorce, you have an unexpected pregnancy (whether you're young and not married, or your getting ready for your youngest to enter high school or college), or your child dies. What do you do?

One thing I found myself doing, after Austin died, was to try to control everything else around me. I wanted to drive my kids everywhere, instead of carpooling, to make sure they got to where they were going on time. If what I had planned was interrupted it threw me off kilter a little, sometimes a lot. If I felt I was 'losing' control I would feel panic. If my schedule got too full and I felt I couldn't keep all the plates spinning, I'd put one down, knowing it would put me over the edge if I didn't. I didn't like interruptions.

Prior to Austin's death, I loved doing things spur of the moment. A little bit of spontaneity invigorated me, got my juices flowing. After Austin's death, not so much. I liked being in control, having all my ducks in a row.

Over the past year, I found myself withdrawing from social events. Events that in the past I would be the first one to say I would be there. I seemed to have lost energy. I seemed to lack the motivation to be involved. I rarely invited someone to get together for lunch, coffee, a drink, or whatever 'excuse' I could think of. This was completely out of character for me, but it was me for a year. I wasn't sure why. I just knew I needed to.

This is another thing I have learned since Austin's accident. I have learned to listen to myself, to my physical and mental reactions. To know when something would be too much and know it was ok to say 'no'. Again, I wasn't always sure why I had those feelings, I just knew I needed to listen to them.

This past Sunday I was sitting in church and the pastor was talking about 'interruptions' in our lives and how sometimes we needed to not react, but to slow down and wait for an answer. And there was my answer. This past year I had needed to slow down. I had needed to put all of my priorities in check, to truly reflect on what is important, what requires my passion and attention, and what I need to let go of and not worry about.

Over the past week or two, I have found my 'old' self returning. I have found myself wanting to and looking forward to entertaining, getting together with others, enjoying friends (old and new). The only difference is I have even more of a peace then I ever have. I have a contentment, knowing that quiet moments are good for me, are important for me, are rejuvenating. Interruptions are ok, maybe not desired, but ok. I don't need to solve them immediately. They prepare me for times of enjoying others, of valuing the friendships I have, of healing my soul.

If you find yourself upside down, with your plans being interrupted, slow down. Give yourself permission to wait, knowing that things will work out, maybe not how you originally planned, but they will work out - one way or the other.

I usually don't share sermons on this blog, but wanted to provide the link for anyone that wanted to listen to the "Interruption" sermon I spoke of above. It is the one from December 8th (Chris Mitchell) "Divine Interruptions - Joseph" http://www.newenglandchapel.org/sunday-services/sermons.html

(I plan on writing another blog on my 'attitude' this past year - which wasn't a good one, I'm ashamed to admit.")

I Want a Can of Soda!

What a great long Thanksgiving week-end we had last week! It was filled with seeing family and friends, and of course full of more Austin memories. Here's a sampling...

Can of Soda

Whenever I'm traveling along I-90 heading to Western New York, and then back again to Massachusetts, there's an exit we pass that reminds me "I want a can of soda".

 

 

Canastota.... When Austin was around 4 years old, my brother, Austin, and I were driving home to Western New York, from visiting my grandma in Glens Falls. As we approached the Canastota exit I commented to my brother that I was going to get off at the Canastota exit for gas. (This is when gas was much more expensive on the thruway than at regular gas stations.) Suddenly, a little voice from the back seat said, "I want a 'can of soda' too!"

I have never read that sign the same way again.


Christmas Tree Drive-Thru

A couple years prior to moving to Massachusetts, my youngest son's first-grade teacher's family ran a Christmas tree farm, where you could cut your own tree. This was perfect, as one of our family traditions is cutting a Christmas tree every year. We decided to check it out. Each year we alternate who's turn it is to pick out the tree. This particular year it happened to be Austin's.

We pulled up to the farm, got our instructions, and headed out to find the perfect tree. Only this tree hunt was a little different than in the past. We could actually drive our car down the paths and look out the window until we spotted "our" tree. Perfect! It was raining outside, now I didn't have to get wet.

We called it shopping via drive-thru for your tree. As we drove slowly down the lanes we saw a couple looking at "their" tree, getting ready to cut it down. Austin and I joked that we should run out of the car, grab the tree, and say, "This is the perfect tree. Let's cut it down." Of course, we were only kidding, but now every time we go tree hunting I can't help chuckling when I see other tree-shoppers finding "their" tree.

Every year we are back in NY for Thanksgiving we head to the tree farm and find the perfect Christmas tree, with a little extra Austin memories filling our Thanksgiving week-end.

Pizza Time

After loading our tree this year onto the top of our car, the boys announced they were starving. (So what else is new.) I suggested we head over to our favorite pizza place, Hometown Pizza. The boys, in unison, quickly said "Yes! Can we get wings too?!?" More Austin time.... Austin loved Hometown, it was like his second home, his best friend's family owns it, and Austin's apartment was kiddy-corner across the street from it.

After a great four days being with family, making more memories, we headed home. As we drove down the thruway, with our tree tied to the top of the car, I told my husband, "I want a can of soda."

When it Thunders - Think of Austin

The story I'm about to tell you was told to me third hand, but even if I'm off slightly with all the details, the gist of it is here...

My nephew, who is a month shy of being three-years old, was at day care the other day when a thunderstorm moved through. There was a little girl that was upset, scared of the thunder. My nephew says to her, "Don't worry. It's just Papa and Austin bowling up there."

A few seconds later thunder boomed. My nephew threw his hands in the air and yelled, "Yeah! STRIKE!!!!"

I have always loved a good thunderstorm. But now I have even more reason to smile when lightening flashes and the house shakes from a boom.

(Papa is my father-in-law, who passed away 6 years ago. You never know, my dad may be bowling with them now too, as that was one of his favorite things to do with the boys when we visited.)

Connections

When tragedy happens I find myself mentioning Austin. I try not to, as I feel the focus should be on the person that was just lost and not Austin, but catch myself doing it anyway. So this is a forewarning - I'm about to do it again.

Tuesday, September 10th

I found myself thinking about Austin as I drove to my class in Providence, RI. Out of the blue my mind began playing the conversations I had with a close friend on the day of Austin's accident. Time is blurred together from that day, but it was within 15 minutes of my finding out that Austin had died. It went something like this.

Friend: "Hey Lori, I just heard about Austin's accident. Is he ok?"
Me (choking it out): "No... he died."

Next I began replaying my response to the doctor when she called me from the hospital, breaking the news. "Ok... no, really? Are you sure?.... OK... ok, are you sure? OK...."

I'm not sure where these thoughts came from as I was driving down the road, they were just there.

Traffic was a little heavy and the typical slow drivers were holding up the rest of us. I am constantly scanning where cars are in my rearview and side mirrors, so when I have to change lanes I don't accidentally have someone in my blind spot. It was time to move to the left passing lane. I'd been watching my mirrors and knew there was room for me to move over. As I pulled a couple inches over I turned my head to the left just in time to catch the glimpse of a maroon car right next to me. I quickly pulled back into my own lane avoiding a near hit. The driver honked his horn, but if I hadn't seen him out of the corner of my eye it would have, most likely, been too late. My heart beat a little faster as I raised my hand to the driver, saying in driver sign language, "I'm so sorry!" Then my mind thought, "Ugh! If that had been a motorcycle it may have not been good."

Wednesday, September 11th (aka 9/11)

I arrive at the gym, in good spirits, ready to work up a sweat. I'm on the treadmill walking / running, listening to the music and watching the multiple TV screens in the front of the room, reading the closed captions when something caught my eye. One the channels was showing 9/11 events, reenacting what happened on the planes that crashed. Scrolling across the screen, they had several of the phone conversations that some of the passengers had with their loved ones during the last minutes of their flights. As I'm working out, reading the captions, I feel the tears well up in my eyes and have to refocus so they don't escape and start streaming down my face. When I finish I think, "Well that was an interesting way to work-out."

For the rest of the day I find myself teary-eyed. I'm in Target, checking out, and see a little boy that reminds me of my 15 year-old son when he was that age. It's a happy thought, but I am choked up. As I'm paying the cashier I'm trying not to cry. I laugh at myself, thinking of how sappy I am today, not because of 9/11, but can't put my finger on why I'm feeling this way. Oh well, as I learned a little over three years ago, I just have to go with it.

During the day, one of the questions many people asked, via Facebook, was "What were you doing when you heard about the plane crashes?" Alan Jackson asks the question in a song, "Where were you when the world stopped turning?" for 9/11.  I can remember clear as day what I was doing - pumping gas, but I think for many this question applies to other times when their world stopped turning - when they loss a child, spouse, sibling, or best friend. I can see in my mind exactly what I was doing when I got the call from Austin's accident and when I was on the phone with my brother when we discovered my father had passed away.

Thursday, September 12

Text received from a friend at 8:25am: "... Andrew, who was the bartender at Austin's event... was killed last night in a motorcycle accident."

I sat there, rereading the text, speechless, a sick feeling in my stomach. I had only met Andrew once, at Austin's event, but this news hit home. It was as if all my thoughts from the past two days were just "wrapped up". Andrew's family's and friends' worlds just stopped turning around 11:30pm on 9/11. I knew that there were friends 370 miles away that had been through this with Austin, and now were going through it again. I knew there were parents receiving the news that just two days earlier I had been playing back in my mind from Austin's accident.  I cried for Andrew, for his family, and for his friends. I cried because I knew the pain they were feeling and wished they didn't have to.

Even though I try not to pull Austin into remembering others that have been lost, sometimes there is no choice. And now, every year when we celebrate Austin's life at the "Remembering Austin" event, I will also be thinking of Andrew, who I only met once - as the bartender at this event. There will now always be a connection of Andrew with Austin.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Andrew's family and friends, as they grieve the loss of someone they loved, of someone who touched their lives.

Austin's Gift

My son: "Mom, Austin had really nice friends, didn't he?"
Me: "Yeah, he sure did."

That was a mini-conversation I had with my middle son the other day, after a fun week-end with one of Austin's friends.

Right after Austin died, the outreach from Austin's friends was amazing. I think I've mentioned it before, but it's worth stating again, I was blown away by how much his friends just reached out to us to let us know they were thinking of Austin and of us. Some we had known since childhood, others we had just met at the calling hours and funeral, some we had never met in-person (but have heard their name from Austin in the past).

Sometimes I wonder if others think of Austin as much as I do, if he's still touching their lives. Then out of the blue a letter comes from one of his friends - via mail, Facebook, or email - letting me know he's still present in that person's mind. And every once in a while, we are blessed with an in-person visit from one of his friends.

Austin's friends goof with my other two sons as though they've always known them and my boys soak it in. My sons feel a part of Austin through his friends and love it!

I don't know if Austin's friends realize they are a gift to us from Austin. Every single one of them, whether we chat with them once a month, once a year, or only one time ever, is a gift. Every one holds a piece of Austin and gives us a glimpse, a reminder, of who he was. We are blessed to have been given this gift from Austin.

To all of Austin's friends, thank you for sharing Austin with us! It means more than words can say.