It's been a while since I last posted. It's not that I have nothing to say. In fact, I have a lot to say. There's a lot going through my mind, many ideas and thoughts that I have wanted to sit down and put on "paper", but I haven't done it.
Sometimes I get an idea, a memory, an inspiration, and it flows out of my mind down to my fingers and onto the "page". Very little effort needs to be put into making it make sense. Then other times I have lots upstairs, but that's where it stays - in my head. That's where I have been lately.
Part of the "block" is that some of my thoughts have come around significant times of our nation remembering others we have lost as a country or city. I don't want to take away from those events and memories. When Memorial Day or the anniversaries of the Boston Bombings and 9/11 are remembered my mind does think about everyone who has been lost through these events (or those who have been injured and lives have been changed), but it also goes to personal events that occurred during these same times. But, I don't feel that is the time to write about them.
Another part is that I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. My life is full of life. I find myself laughing and smiling most of the time, all while my mind carries Austin with me. When I share these Austin moments and memories it's not to get sympathy, but rather to keep Austin alive through these memories. It's to let people know that life is good, in spite of missing pieces of the puzzle. It is to show others who are suffering their own loss at this time, who can't see any sun behind the stormy clouds, that "every storm runs out of rain." That even though right now it may seem impossible to imagine any brightness, it is there, waiting for them. It may take time, longer than desired, but light will peak out from behind the clouds. Sometimes for a split second, other times for much longer.
And still another reason is that I sometimes feel like a broken record, as if I have already shared the things that are churning in my mind.
I will try to post some of my thoughts soon, when I can get the ideas to come together in a sensible form. In the meantime, treasure the memories you have of your loved ones - after all, memories are priceless!
If you're going through a rough time right now, remember (as Gary Allan sings), "Every storm runs out of rain... Every dark night turns into day..." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ_Bnu_RbQM
Monday, June 2, 2014
Friday, May 16, 2014
Ants in My Pants
"The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone." ~Mitch Albom
Last June, while getting ready for the 3rd Annual Remembering Austin fundraiser, I was having a pity party. I was running around trying to pull everything together and feeling very alone. I was missing Austin and I was missing my dad.
It wasn't until then that I realized how much my dad had helped with the previous fundraisers. He had a "slow and steady wins the race" kind of attitude. He'd be puttering in the barn, cleaning it up, humming away. I'd be running around like a crazy woman, irritated by that humming. Now I missed it. Now I was hearing it in my mind, smiling.
Driving back from the stores I decided to take a detour and stop at the cemetery where both Austin's and my dad's grave sites were. When I visit the sites I usually stand there a few minutes, take in the view, shake my head, and leave. This day it was beautiful and sunny. I sat on the grass at their sites, which is the first time I've ever sat on the ground there. I began to relax, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face, when suddenly I feel a bite on my leg. I look down to see a couple ants crawling on me. I jump up, shake off my leg, and think, "Well that moments gone."
I climb back in my car and drive to my mom's house, which is just a couple houses down from the cemetery. I enter the house, climb the stairs to the second floor and begin chatting with my brother. All of a sudden I feel a burning on my buttocks. I tear down the stairs, screaming "ouch!", fly into the bathroom, slam the door, and rip my pants off. Then I start laughing...
I had ants in my pants! Literally.
All I could think of was Austin. Here I was feeling sorry for myself. All it took was a couple of little ants to shake me out of my wallowing and give me a laugh. I could hear Austin laughing. He would have gotten a kick out of that story.
From now on when I visit I think I'll sit in the gazebo next to my dad's and Austin's grave sites. And when I hear the saying "ants in the pants" I will always have an interesting vision in my head.
"It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are finished." ~Debbie Macomber
Last June, while getting ready for the 3rd Annual Remembering Austin fundraiser, I was having a pity party. I was running around trying to pull everything together and feeling very alone. I was missing Austin and I was missing my dad.
It wasn't until then that I realized how much my dad had helped with the previous fundraisers. He had a "slow and steady wins the race" kind of attitude. He'd be puttering in the barn, cleaning it up, humming away. I'd be running around like a crazy woman, irritated by that humming. Now I missed it. Now I was hearing it in my mind, smiling.
Driving back from the stores I decided to take a detour and stop at the cemetery where both Austin's and my dad's grave sites were. When I visit the sites I usually stand there a few minutes, take in the view, shake my head, and leave. This day it was beautiful and sunny. I sat on the grass at their sites, which is the first time I've ever sat on the ground there. I began to relax, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face, when suddenly I feel a bite on my leg. I look down to see a couple ants crawling on me. I jump up, shake off my leg, and think, "Well that moments gone."
I climb back in my car and drive to my mom's house, which is just a couple houses down from the cemetery. I enter the house, climb the stairs to the second floor and begin chatting with my brother. All of a sudden I feel a burning on my buttocks. I tear down the stairs, screaming "ouch!", fly into the bathroom, slam the door, and rip my pants off. Then I start laughing...
I had ants in my pants! Literally.
All I could think of was Austin. Here I was feeling sorry for myself. All it took was a couple of little ants to shake me out of my wallowing and give me a laugh. I could hear Austin laughing. He would have gotten a kick out of that story.
From now on when I visit I think I'll sit in the gazebo next to my dad's and Austin's grave sites. And when I hear the saying "ants in the pants" I will always have an interesting vision in my head.
"It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are finished." ~Debbie Macomber
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Triggers.... you never know
Is there a smell that immediately brings you back to a time or place?
For me, a certain smell of wood does it every time... There's a distinct woody smell that immediately conjures up memories of my grandmother's entryway, which we had to walk through when entering her home.
Without doing a thing, all of my senses (sounds, sights, tastes, touches, smells) can bring me back to earlier times. I'm going along, minding my own business, when WHAM! the smell (or sound or taste) comes out of nowhere, and my mind jumps, with no warning, to a memory. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.
What about when something causes our minds to jump to a memory and that "something" isn't one of the five senses? Or, what if it's not a memory that's triggered, but rather a lost dream? You can't figure out what it is, can't put your finger on it. But there's a feeling you can't shake. If only you could figure out why, identify what's causing it.
It happened to me last June, and not for the reasons I would have thought. June is the anniversary month of Austin's passing,but that's not what triggered the emotions that came rolling through me. I found myself feeling anxious and sad, something was stirring in me - a feeling as if I was missing out on life events, and it all seemed to stem from watching my friends kids graduate high school, which made no sense to me. Austin had graduated high school six years earlier. We had had a wonderful graduation party. I hadn't missed out on that life event with Austin. And I had great memories of that time with him. I've been through two other graduation seasons since Austin's accident, and never felt anything like this.So what was it that evoked the unsettled feelings? Why this year? What was different?
I had been looking forward to watching my friends' sons and daughters finish one season of life and begin their next journey. I have watched these kids grow into beautiful and respectful young adults and couldn't wait to see them grow even more as they began their next phase of life.... And that's when it hit me!
It wasn't about their graduating, but rather what it represented.... they were moving on to the next natural phase of their lives - college. I had experienced that with Austin and loved watching him grow into a beautiful young man during those years. He had just completed his last courses, just received his associates degree, only a few weeks before he died. He was beginning his next journey in life - having a full-time job, renting his own apartment, becoming a full-fledged adult. A journey I will never get to watch him experience. I will never get to walk along with him on any of life's next stages. That's what was breaking my heart. Although the graduations were the trigger, it was the end of one season and the beginning of another that created the aching in me. It was a subconscious reminder of what will never be for Austin.
Job promotions, engagements, marriages, babies, home purchases.... all the things that Austin would possibly be doing if he was still here. All the things that I have been blessed to watch his friends experience. I have watched them grow and blossom over the past 3-1/2 years. As I've been thinking about it I realize that if Austin was still alive, he would be twenty-five years old. He would have learned so much about life, he would have discovered more of who he was and what he wanted. I will never experience him getting that first job promotion, becoming engaged, marrying, having children, or purchasing a home. I can only imagine what he would be doing, because the most recent memories are the last memories I have of him is at twenty-one, fresh out of college, finishing one journey and just at the very beginning of the next. That's why I felt as if I was missing out on life's events, because I was - the life events of Austin.
The good thing was that I had identified what the trigger was, acknowledged it and made peace with it. There will be a day very soon, when my next child moves to his new big stage of life (graduating high school and heading off to college) and I will celebrate it fully with him, even though there will always be a tug at my heart of what I will always miss with Austin, watching him take that next leg of the journey of life.
Although Austin's life ended way to soon, our lives continue to roll on, along all the twists and turns that make life exciting and exhausting all at the same time. Although Austin is not with us physically, he will always be in my heart and I will always wonder (as Kenny Chesney's song says) what he'd be today.
An' sometimes I wonder, Who'd you be today?
...Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family, I wonder what would you name your babies?
...It ain't fair: you died too young, Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you,
...An' sometimes I wonder, Who you'd be today?
(~ Lyrics from Kenny Chesney's "Who'd you be today)
PS: As with previous entries, I was hesitant to post this, because I don't ever want a friend of mine not to share their child's journey of life with me, and I never want Austin's friends not to share their next life changing experience with me, worried it will evoke "missing Austin" feelings. Because, even though I long to watch Austin, it warms my heart and brings me a smile to watch my friends and their family, and Austin's friends and their family, grow and live life. We are here to live life and share it with others, so thank you for doing that with me!
For me, a certain smell of wood does it every time... There's a distinct woody smell that immediately conjures up memories of my grandmother's entryway, which we had to walk through when entering her home.
Without doing a thing, all of my senses (sounds, sights, tastes, touches, smells) can bring me back to earlier times. I'm going along, minding my own business, when WHAM! the smell (or sound or taste) comes out of nowhere, and my mind jumps, with no warning, to a memory. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.
What about when something causes our minds to jump to a memory and that "something" isn't one of the five senses? Or, what if it's not a memory that's triggered, but rather a lost dream? You can't figure out what it is, can't put your finger on it. But there's a feeling you can't shake. If only you could figure out why, identify what's causing it.
It happened to me last June, and not for the reasons I would have thought. June is the anniversary month of Austin's passing,but that's not what triggered the emotions that came rolling through me. I found myself feeling anxious and sad, something was stirring in me - a feeling as if I was missing out on life events, and it all seemed to stem from watching my friends kids graduate high school, which made no sense to me. Austin had graduated high school six years earlier. We had had a wonderful graduation party. I hadn't missed out on that life event with Austin. And I had great memories of that time with him. I've been through two other graduation seasons since Austin's accident, and never felt anything like this.So what was it that evoked the unsettled feelings? Why this year? What was different?
I had been looking forward to watching my friends' sons and daughters finish one season of life and begin their next journey. I have watched these kids grow into beautiful and respectful young adults and couldn't wait to see them grow even more as they began their next phase of life.... And that's when it hit me!
It wasn't about their graduating, but rather what it represented.... they were moving on to the next natural phase of their lives - college. I had experienced that with Austin and loved watching him grow into a beautiful young man during those years. He had just completed his last courses, just received his associates degree, only a few weeks before he died. He was beginning his next journey in life - having a full-time job, renting his own apartment, becoming a full-fledged adult. A journey I will never get to watch him experience. I will never get to walk along with him on any of life's next stages. That's what was breaking my heart. Although the graduations were the trigger, it was the end of one season and the beginning of another that created the aching in me. It was a subconscious reminder of what will never be for Austin.
Job promotions, engagements, marriages, babies, home purchases.... all the things that Austin would possibly be doing if he was still here. All the things that I have been blessed to watch his friends experience. I have watched them grow and blossom over the past 3-1/2 years. As I've been thinking about it I realize that if Austin was still alive, he would be twenty-five years old. He would have learned so much about life, he would have discovered more of who he was and what he wanted. I will never experience him getting that first job promotion, becoming engaged, marrying, having children, or purchasing a home. I can only imagine what he would be doing, because the most recent memories are the last memories I have of him is at twenty-one, fresh out of college, finishing one journey and just at the very beginning of the next. That's why I felt as if I was missing out on life's events, because I was - the life events of Austin.
The good thing was that I had identified what the trigger was, acknowledged it and made peace with it. There will be a day very soon, when my next child moves to his new big stage of life (graduating high school and heading off to college) and I will celebrate it fully with him, even though there will always be a tug at my heart of what I will always miss with Austin, watching him take that next leg of the journey of life.
Although Austin's life ended way to soon, our lives continue to roll on, along all the twists and turns that make life exciting and exhausting all at the same time. Although Austin is not with us physically, he will always be in my heart and I will always wonder (as Kenny Chesney's song says) what he'd be today.
An' sometimes I wonder, Who'd you be today?
...Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family, I wonder what would you name your babies?
...It ain't fair: you died too young, Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you,
...An' sometimes I wonder, Who you'd be today?
(~ Lyrics from Kenny Chesney's "Who'd you be today)
PS: As with previous entries, I was hesitant to post this, because I don't ever want a friend of mine not to share their child's journey of life with me, and I never want Austin's friends not to share their next life changing experience with me, worried it will evoke "missing Austin" feelings. Because, even though I long to watch Austin, it warms my heart and brings me a smile to watch my friends and their family, and Austin's friends and their family, grow and live life. We are here to live life and share it with others, so thank you for doing that with me!
Friday, February 14, 2014
Greeting Cards - Get Me Every Time
It's Valentine's Day. A day when we are supposed to tell the ones we love how much we really do love them. It's just the American way.
Today as I was browsing the Valentine card section at the local CVS (yes, I left it to the last minute), I found the perfect card for my husband and then moved on to the "son" area, looking for cards for my two younger boys. I found it a little difficult to find the right card for two boys, as I didn't want to get them both the same card (how lame would that be). And I couldn't get a card for one boy that said how great he was, and then get a different card for the other one that didn't mention his awesomeness. So it took me a bit to find two cards for the boys. But eventually I succeeded.
As always happens, I find gazillion cards that seem just right for Austin, wishing he was here to send it to (or hand in person) - cards speaking of what a wonderful person he's turned out to be. With my other two boys still teenagers, the only person these cards would be perfect for is Austin....
As I often do, I bought the card. Not with the intention of trying to mail it up to Austin (wouldn't that be amazing if you could send a message to a loved one in heaven), but just because I liked the words it said, how it reminded me of the love I have for Austin, and because it brought me down memory lane, to a time when Austin was visiting us....We were at one of the other boy's football game. I stood back and watched Austin chatting and laughing it up with one of our friends, and I smiled, amazed at what a beautiful young man he was turning out to be....
Sometimes things work out well.
Sometimes life is good.
Like you're given a son to care of and love.
So you try to bring him up right,
to let him know how important he is to you.
And before you know it, he's an adult,
looking you in the eye and grinning
with a smile that comes straight from the heart.
And you think to yourself, "Hey, he turned out good."
And your heart fills up with love...again.
Happy Valentine's Day
to a good man...and a wonderful son.
Happy Valentine's Day Austin!
PS: Personally, I think every day should be Valentine's Day. We should show those we love how important they are to us, through our words and actions, on a daily basis.
Today as I was browsing the Valentine card section at the local CVS (yes, I left it to the last minute), I found the perfect card for my husband and then moved on to the "son" area, looking for cards for my two younger boys. I found it a little difficult to find the right card for two boys, as I didn't want to get them both the same card (how lame would that be). And I couldn't get a card for one boy that said how great he was, and then get a different card for the other one that didn't mention his awesomeness. So it took me a bit to find two cards for the boys. But eventually I succeeded.
As always happens, I find gazillion cards that seem just right for Austin, wishing he was here to send it to (or hand in person) - cards speaking of what a wonderful person he's turned out to be. With my other two boys still teenagers, the only person these cards would be perfect for is Austin....
As I often do, I bought the card. Not with the intention of trying to mail it up to Austin (wouldn't that be amazing if you could send a message to a loved one in heaven), but just because I liked the words it said, how it reminded me of the love I have for Austin, and because it brought me down memory lane, to a time when Austin was visiting us....We were at one of the other boy's football game. I stood back and watched Austin chatting and laughing it up with one of our friends, and I smiled, amazed at what a beautiful young man he was turning out to be....
Sometimes things work out well.
Sometimes life is good.
Like you're given a son to care of and love.
So you try to bring him up right,
to let him know how important he is to you.
And before you know it, he's an adult,
looking you in the eye and grinning
with a smile that comes straight from the heart.
And you think to yourself, "Hey, he turned out good."
And your heart fills up with love...again.
Happy Valentine's Day
to a good man...and a wonderful son.
Happy Valentine's Day Austin!
PS: Personally, I think every day should be Valentine's Day. We should show those we love how important they are to us, through our words and actions, on a daily basis.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Irritate - Irritating - Irritable
Warning: I have been tossing back and forth in my mind whether I should write this entry. It may really irritate some, even my closest friends. But then I thought about what the purpose of this blog is. It's to let others know they are not alone in their grieving process. It's been 3-1/2 years since Austin left us, and I often have to try and discern whether my feelings, emotions, and actions are still part of the grieving process or just a reflection of who I am as a person. Sometimes, as in this case, I think it's a combination of the two.
I started reflecting on this past year (2013), when deciding whether or not I should write this entry, and realized, "Wow! There's been a lot going on in my life, including a new grieving - for my dad. Most likely, I'm not the only one who's been going through rough times. In fact, I've read numerous Facebook postings from friends and acquaintances which indicate that 2013 was a tough year for many, and some may be reacting the same I have."
Before I jump into the actual entry, I feel a background of the end of 2012 and most of 2013 is needed:
Pisspot: a mean, nasty person
Irritate: to make (someone) impatient, angry, or annoyed; to provoke impatience, anger, or displeasure it; to induce irritability in or of
Irritated: subjected to irritation; especially: roughened, reddened, or inflamed by an irritant
Synonyms of irritate: aggravate, annoy, bother, bug, exasperate, grate, irk, nettle, get on one's nerves, rub the wrong way.
Over the past year (possibly year-and-half) I found myself having a pisspot attitude, being irritated with everyone! Someone would call me with a simple question - I'd be irritated. Someone asked me to do something - I'd be irritated. Someone would offer to help me with something - I'd be irritated. Someone would call me to tell me something - I'd be irritated. Basically - I was irritated all the time. A true pisspot!
Before you get really irritated at me, let me assure you that nothing and no one was off-limits. It was nothing anyone had done. I was just irritable. Heck, I even irritated myself!
I have always held a philosophy, and often share it with my boys - there are times when someone is grumpy or curt with you, even though you have done nothing wrong. When this happens, you need to ask yourself, "Did I do something wrong or mean that would give this person 'permission' to be mad at me?" If the answer is "no", then you need to realize that it is the miserable person's problem, not yours.
All year long, the question I had to ask myself was, "Is this person irritating, am I irritated for a specific reason, or am I simply irritable?" I am ashamed to admit that ninety-five percent of the time, my answer was, "I am simply irritable." I had no specific reason, I was just irritated. This is probably part of the reason that, over the past year, I decided to stay more to myself than is normal, for me. (See previous posting.) After all, who would want to be around an irritable, pisspot person? Not me!
I knew there was something wrong. I knew I wasn't behaving like "myself", I love people! But here I was, always irritated. I can visualize clearly the day I realized I had to change. The day I did change.... I called the company that does maintenance on our heating system. I didn't like the answer the account representative gave me, so I was snippy - extremely snippy. I hung up the phone and thought to myself, "Wow! You were really a b%tch. What is wrong with you?"
A few minutes later I called back, profusely apologizing. It was freeing to apologize and admit I was a jerk. It was at this point I decided that enough was enough. Everyone has issues they're dealing with. What right do I have to treat people the way I have been over the past year (even if, at times, it was only in my mind).
From that day forward, I have found myself liking people. (The way I used to!) I have found a skip in my step and am enjoying life more than I have in a long time. The majority of individuals out there are good people and they deserve to be treated like it!
To all those I have been irritable to in the past, I am truly, truly sorry!
There are times in our lives that we start having a pisspot attitude. I truly believe that when we step back and realize it is our problem, not others, we can change. We can have the 'right' attitude, even in difficult times.
Don't be too hard on yourself, if you've found yourself irritable, but own that problem. When we are able to recognize this, we can then truly enjoy life, and bless those around us. Who knows, maybe they are going through a rough patch too. Why not add a little sunshine to their day?
We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them. -Epictetus
I started reflecting on this past year (2013), when deciding whether or not I should write this entry, and realized, "Wow! There's been a lot going on in my life, including a new grieving - for my dad. Most likely, I'm not the only one who's been going through rough times. In fact, I've read numerous Facebook postings from friends and acquaintances which indicate that 2013 was a tough year for many, and some may be reacting the same I have."
Before I jump into the actual entry, I feel a background of the end of 2012 and most of 2013 is needed:
- Mid 2012 - I embarked on a 9-month contract job that turned into more than I expected - more hours and a much longer commute. It was a wonderful experience, I learned a lot and grew from it - both personally and professionally - but it was a huge stressor.
- Thanksgiving / Christmas 2012- Due to other commitments, we did not make it home to visit family for the holidays. Little did I know that I would never spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with my dad again.
- Late 2012 to January 2013 - my grandfather-in-law (98 years old), whom my husband was very close to, was experiencing significant health problems.
- December 2012 - my husband had surgery on his shoulder.
- January 2013 - my middle son was diagnosed with Pars Defect (fractures in the L5 vertebrae), and battled this all year. (Severe pain in lower back.)
- January 2013 - my grandfather-in-law passed away.
 |
| Austin with his great grandpa (my grandfather-in-law) |
- January 2013 -My mother-in-law tore her ligament in her shoulder (this occurred the day before my grandfather-in-law's funeral.)
- April 2013 - my dad passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly, from a massive heart attack.
 |
| Austin with his grandpa (my dad) at his technical school graduation |
- April 2013 (one week after my dad's funeral) - my mother-in-law was diagnosed with heart problems, and had heart surgery.
- ~May 2013 - my mother-in-law had additional heart surgery.
- July 2013 - my middle son broke his wrist
- Fall 2013 - my youngest son had a concussion
- ~Fall 2013 - my mother-in-law had additional heart surgery. (Dates for May and Fall are a little muddled in my mind, so these are approximations.)
- Thanksgiving and Christmas 2013 - were very different. A huge hole was felt without my Dad and Austin. (This is for another blog entry, though.)
Pisspot: a mean, nasty person
Irritate: to make (someone) impatient, angry, or annoyed; to provoke impatience, anger, or displeasure it; to induce irritability in or of
Irritated: subjected to irritation; especially: roughened, reddened, or inflamed by an irritant
Synonyms of irritate: aggravate, annoy, bother, bug, exasperate, grate, irk, nettle, get on one's nerves, rub the wrong way.
Over the past year (possibly year-and-half) I found myself having a pisspot attitude, being irritated with everyone! Someone would call me with a simple question - I'd be irritated. Someone asked me to do something - I'd be irritated. Someone would offer to help me with something - I'd be irritated. Someone would call me to tell me something - I'd be irritated. Basically - I was irritated all the time. A true pisspot!
Before you get really irritated at me, let me assure you that nothing and no one was off-limits. It was nothing anyone had done. I was just irritable. Heck, I even irritated myself!
I have always held a philosophy, and often share it with my boys - there are times when someone is grumpy or curt with you, even though you have done nothing wrong. When this happens, you need to ask yourself, "Did I do something wrong or mean that would give this person 'permission' to be mad at me?" If the answer is "no", then you need to realize that it is the miserable person's problem, not yours.
All year long, the question I had to ask myself was, "Is this person irritating, am I irritated for a specific reason, or am I simply irritable?" I am ashamed to admit that ninety-five percent of the time, my answer was, "I am simply irritable." I had no specific reason, I was just irritated. This is probably part of the reason that, over the past year, I decided to stay more to myself than is normal, for me. (See previous posting.) After all, who would want to be around an irritable, pisspot person? Not me!
I knew there was something wrong. I knew I wasn't behaving like "myself", I love people! But here I was, always irritated. I can visualize clearly the day I realized I had to change. The day I did change.... I called the company that does maintenance on our heating system. I didn't like the answer the account representative gave me, so I was snippy - extremely snippy. I hung up the phone and thought to myself, "Wow! You were really a b%tch. What is wrong with you?"
A few minutes later I called back, profusely apologizing. It was freeing to apologize and admit I was a jerk. It was at this point I decided that enough was enough. Everyone has issues they're dealing with. What right do I have to treat people the way I have been over the past year (even if, at times, it was only in my mind).
From that day forward, I have found myself liking people. (The way I used to!) I have found a skip in my step and am enjoying life more than I have in a long time. The majority of individuals out there are good people and they deserve to be treated like it!
To all those I have been irritable to in the past, I am truly, truly sorry!
There are times in our lives that we start having a pisspot attitude. I truly believe that when we step back and realize it is our problem, not others, we can change. We can have the 'right' attitude, even in difficult times.
Don't be too hard on yourself, if you've found yourself irritable, but own that problem. When we are able to recognize this, we can then truly enjoy life, and bless those around us. Who knows, maybe they are going through a rough patch too. Why not add a little sunshine to their day?
We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them. -Epictetus
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Interruptions and Lack of Control
I tend to like to be in control.
I know for those of you who know me, the above statement is a surprise for you to hear.... or maybe not. When there is a problem, I get a little razzled for a bit, then step back and figure out a solution. And this has worked quite well for me, most of the time. But what do you do when a quick fix is not possible? What do you do when what you envisioned gets turned upside down? When your plans for life don't go the way you thought they would go?
This could happen if you suddenly lose your job, your spouse asks for a divorce, you have an unexpected pregnancy (whether you're young and not married, or your getting ready for your youngest to enter high school or college), or your child dies. What do you do?
One thing I found myself doing, after Austin died, was to try to control everything else around me. I wanted to drive my kids everywhere, instead of carpooling, to make sure they got to where they were going on time. If what I had planned was interrupted it threw me off kilter a little, sometimes a lot. If I felt I was 'losing' control I would feel panic. If my schedule got too full and I felt I couldn't keep all the plates spinning, I'd put one down, knowing it would put me over the edge if I didn't. I didn't like interruptions.
Prior to Austin's death, I loved doing things spur of the moment. A little bit of spontaneity invigorated me, got my juices flowing. After Austin's death, not so much. I liked being in control, having all my ducks in a row.
Over the past year, I found myself withdrawing from social events. Events that in the past I would be the first one to say I would be there. I seemed to have lost energy. I seemed to lack the motivation to be involved. I rarely invited someone to get together for lunch, coffee, a drink, or whatever 'excuse' I could think of. This was completely out of character for me, but it was me for a year. I wasn't sure why. I just knew I needed to.
This is another thing I have learned since Austin's accident. I have learned to listen to myself, to my physical and mental reactions. To know when something would be too much and know it was ok to say 'no'. Again, I wasn't always sure why I had those feelings, I just knew I needed to listen to them.
This past Sunday I was sitting in church and the pastor was talking about 'interruptions' in our lives and how sometimes we needed to not react, but to slow down and wait for an answer. And there was my answer. This past year I had needed to slow down. I had needed to put all of my priorities in check, to truly reflect on what is important, what requires my passion and attention, and what I need to let go of and not worry about.
Over the past week or two, I have found my 'old' self returning. I have found myself wanting to and looking forward to entertaining, getting together with others, enjoying friends (old and new). The only difference is I have even more of a peace then I ever have. I have a contentment, knowing that quiet moments are good for me, are important for me, are rejuvenating. Interruptions are ok, maybe not desired, but ok. I don't need to solve them immediately. They prepare me for times of enjoying others, of valuing the friendships I have, of healing my soul.
If you find yourself upside down, with your plans being interrupted, slow down. Give yourself permission to wait, knowing that things will work out, maybe not how you originally planned, but they will work out - one way or the other.
I usually don't share sermons on this blog, but wanted to provide the link for anyone that wanted to listen to the "Interruption" sermon I spoke of above. It is the one from December 8th (Chris Mitchell) "Divine Interruptions - Joseph" http://www.newenglandchapel.org/sunday-services/sermons.html
(I plan on writing another blog on my 'attitude' this past year - which wasn't a good one, I'm ashamed to admit.")
I know for those of you who know me, the above statement is a surprise for you to hear.... or maybe not. When there is a problem, I get a little razzled for a bit, then step back and figure out a solution. And this has worked quite well for me, most of the time. But what do you do when a quick fix is not possible? What do you do when what you envisioned gets turned upside down? When your plans for life don't go the way you thought they would go?
This could happen if you suddenly lose your job, your spouse asks for a divorce, you have an unexpected pregnancy (whether you're young and not married, or your getting ready for your youngest to enter high school or college), or your child dies. What do you do?
One thing I found myself doing, after Austin died, was to try to control everything else around me. I wanted to drive my kids everywhere, instead of carpooling, to make sure they got to where they were going on time. If what I had planned was interrupted it threw me off kilter a little, sometimes a lot. If I felt I was 'losing' control I would feel panic. If my schedule got too full and I felt I couldn't keep all the plates spinning, I'd put one down, knowing it would put me over the edge if I didn't. I didn't like interruptions.
Prior to Austin's death, I loved doing things spur of the moment. A little bit of spontaneity invigorated me, got my juices flowing. After Austin's death, not so much. I liked being in control, having all my ducks in a row.
Over the past year, I found myself withdrawing from social events. Events that in the past I would be the first one to say I would be there. I seemed to have lost energy. I seemed to lack the motivation to be involved. I rarely invited someone to get together for lunch, coffee, a drink, or whatever 'excuse' I could think of. This was completely out of character for me, but it was me for a year. I wasn't sure why. I just knew I needed to.
This is another thing I have learned since Austin's accident. I have learned to listen to myself, to my physical and mental reactions. To know when something would be too much and know it was ok to say 'no'. Again, I wasn't always sure why I had those feelings, I just knew I needed to listen to them.
This past Sunday I was sitting in church and the pastor was talking about 'interruptions' in our lives and how sometimes we needed to not react, but to slow down and wait for an answer. And there was my answer. This past year I had needed to slow down. I had needed to put all of my priorities in check, to truly reflect on what is important, what requires my passion and attention, and what I need to let go of and not worry about.
Over the past week or two, I have found my 'old' self returning. I have found myself wanting to and looking forward to entertaining, getting together with others, enjoying friends (old and new). The only difference is I have even more of a peace then I ever have. I have a contentment, knowing that quiet moments are good for me, are important for me, are rejuvenating. Interruptions are ok, maybe not desired, but ok. I don't need to solve them immediately. They prepare me for times of enjoying others, of valuing the friendships I have, of healing my soul.
If you find yourself upside down, with your plans being interrupted, slow down. Give yourself permission to wait, knowing that things will work out, maybe not how you originally planned, but they will work out - one way or the other.
I usually don't share sermons on this blog, but wanted to provide the link for anyone that wanted to listen to the "Interruption" sermon I spoke of above. It is the one from December 8th (Chris Mitchell) "Divine Interruptions - Joseph" http://www.newenglandchapel.org/sunday-services/sermons.html
(I plan on writing another blog on my 'attitude' this past year - which wasn't a good one, I'm ashamed to admit.")
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
I Want a Can of Soda!
What a great long Thanksgiving week-end we had last week! It was filled with seeing family and friends, and of course full of more Austin memories. Here's a sampling...
Can of Soda
Whenever I'm traveling along I-90 heading to Western New York, and then back again to Massachusetts, there's an exit we pass that reminds me "I want a can of soda".
Canastota.... When Austin was around 4 years old, my brother, Austin, and I were driving home to Western New York, from visiting my grandma in Glens Falls. As we approached the Canastota exit I commented to my brother that I was going to get off at the Canastota exit for gas. (This is when gas was much more expensive on the thruway than at regular gas stations.) Suddenly, a little voice from the back seat said, "I want a 'can of soda' too!"
I have never read that sign the same way again.
Christmas Tree Drive-Thru
A couple years prior to moving to Massachusetts, my youngest son's first-grade teacher's family ran a Christmas tree farm, where you could cut your own tree. This was perfect, as one of our family traditions is cutting a Christmas tree every year. We decided to check it out. Each year we alternate who's turn it is to pick out the tree. This particular year it happened to be Austin's.
We pulled up to the farm, got our instructions, and headed out to find the perfect tree. Only this tree hunt was a little different than in the past. We could actually drive our car down the paths and look out the window until we spotted "our" tree. Perfect! It was raining outside, now I didn't have to get wet.
We called it shopping via drive-thru for your tree. As we drove slowly down the lanes we saw a couple looking at "their" tree, getting ready to cut it down. Austin and I joked that we should run out of the car, grab the tree, and say, "This is the perfect tree. Let's cut it down." Of course, we were only kidding, but now every time we go tree hunting I can't help chuckling when I see other tree-shoppers finding "their" tree.
Every year we are back in NY for Thanksgiving we head to the tree farm and find the perfect Christmas tree, with a little extra Austin memories filling our Thanksgiving week-end.
Pizza Time
After loading our tree this year onto the top of our car, the boys announced they were starving. (So what else is new.) I suggested we head over to our favorite pizza place, Hometown Pizza. The boys, in unison, quickly said "Yes! Can we get wings too?!?" More Austin time.... Austin loved Hometown, it was like his second home, his best friend's family owns it, and Austin's apartment was kiddy-corner across the street from it.
After a great four days being with family, making more memories, we headed home. As we drove down the thruway, with our tree tied to the top of the car, I told my husband, "I want a can of soda."
Can of Soda
Whenever I'm traveling along I-90 heading to Western New York, and then back again to Massachusetts, there's an exit we pass that reminds me "I want a can of soda".
I have never read that sign the same way again.
Christmas Tree Drive-Thru
A couple years prior to moving to Massachusetts, my youngest son's first-grade teacher's family ran a Christmas tree farm, where you could cut your own tree. This was perfect, as one of our family traditions is cutting a Christmas tree every year. We decided to check it out. Each year we alternate who's turn it is to pick out the tree. This particular year it happened to be Austin's.
We pulled up to the farm, got our instructions, and headed out to find the perfect tree. Only this tree hunt was a little different than in the past. We could actually drive our car down the paths and look out the window until we spotted "our" tree. Perfect! It was raining outside, now I didn't have to get wet.
We called it shopping via drive-thru for your tree. As we drove slowly down the lanes we saw a couple looking at "their" tree, getting ready to cut it down. Austin and I joked that we should run out of the car, grab the tree, and say, "This is the perfect tree. Let's cut it down." Of course, we were only kidding, but now every time we go tree hunting I can't help chuckling when I see other tree-shoppers finding "their" tree.
Every year we are back in NY for Thanksgiving we head to the tree farm and find the perfect Christmas tree, with a little extra Austin memories filling our Thanksgiving week-end.
Pizza Time
After loading our tree this year onto the top of our car, the boys announced they were starving. (So what else is new.) I suggested we head over to our favorite pizza place, Hometown Pizza. The boys, in unison, quickly said "Yes! Can we get wings too?!?" More Austin time.... Austin loved Hometown, it was like his second home, his best friend's family owns it, and Austin's apartment was kiddy-corner across the street from it.
After a great four days being with family, making more memories, we headed home. As we drove down the thruway, with our tree tied to the top of the car, I told my husband, "I want a can of soda."
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