Always More Room

"Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville - did not. The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Now please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason.... But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small." - How the Grinch Stole Christmas, by Dr. Seuss

When Austin was 3 years old I remember reading to him How the Grinch Stole Christmas. When we got to the part about the Grinch stealing all the presents, Austin began sobbing. I did my best to reassure him that it would get better, but he wouldn't stop crying. He did not understand how the Grinch could be so cruel. I finished reading the book, figuring that would take care of it and Austin would soon be happy. But, for the next hour he cried and cried, because he felt so bad for the families whose presents were stolen, even though they did eventually get them back. Austin's heart was the exact opposite of being two sizes two small....even at 3 years old.

From a very young age I tried to teach Austin "there's always room for one more friend, to love one more person."

Looking around "The Remembering Austin Narewski" event, last Friday, I saw a beautiful reminder of how Austin always made room for "just one more person". I watched over 150 people who had been touched by Austin, one way or another... by his generous smile, easy laugh, friendly banter... all because he wasn't afraid to take a chance and befriend someone he just met. It didn't matter how old you were, what you did for work, who your other friends were, what kind of car you drove or house you lived in. He looked further and deeper than that, he looked at who you were as a person, an individual. He looked at your heart. And as he did, his heart got bigger and bigger and bigger.

One the most amazing things about our hearts is they grow and grow, but never run out of space. There is always room to love one more person. Austin was a beautiful example of this.... and still is. All I have to do is look around at all his beautiful friends!

One Year - Check

I am a big checker. As I finish a task, there is some odd pleasure I receive from checking it off my "to-do" list. Done. Complete. One more thing out of the way.

I have a confession to make, though. I love making "to-do" lists, but rarely follow them completely. Within an hour of making my list I'm usually detouring from it. But isn't that how life is? We know what we want to do, but then life happens and we must "recalculate".

Last Friday, June 24, 2011 was the one year mark of Austin's accident. One year. We made it. It's done. Check! On to the next...

Ohhh, but If only it were that easy. If only I could say, "There. Got through the year; a year of roller coaster emotions. Dealt with my feelings. Grieved. Now check it off my list. And let's move on!" But it's not that easy. The roller coaster will continue - but it will be a different ride. Not sure what it will be like. Some days may be bumpy, slow, loop-to-loop, "can't wait for the ride to be done", or even "let's do this day again, it was a good one".  I won't know until the day arrives. But one thing I do know, is that there will be others on the ride with me, experiencing it the same, yet differently. And just like last year brought tears and laughter, I know this year will do the same.

This ride I can't "check off" my list - it was never on it in the first place. So I guess I will just hang on and see where it takes me. After all, life is a highway! Join me, as I travel the journey life...

Life is Full of Coincidences...Start to Finish!

co-in-ci-dence noun
the occurrence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to have connection.

Examples of COINCIDENCE:

I was 21-1/2 years old when I was pregnant with Austin.... Austin was 21-1/2 years old when he died.

When I was pregnant with Austin the song "You've Got a Friend" by James Taylor got me through lonely times.... For the past few months, every time I'm in the car, Rascal Flatt's song, "I Won't Let Go", comes on the radio - the message is basically the same as "You've Got a Friend".

Austin was born on the same day as my mom (on her 50th birthday).... Austin died on my sister-in-law's wedding anniversary.

My one brother is 9 years older than my youngest brother.... My youngest brother is 9-1/2 years older than Austin.... Austin is 9-1/2 years older than his brother (my middle son).

June 24, 2010 a little after 7am Austin was in a fatal motorcycle accident on his way to work.... September 24, 2010 a little after 7am a 17 year-old boy (in the town next to mine), was killed on a motorcycle on his way to school.... I have become friends with his mother. (We are now part of The Miss Your Smile Club, that neither of us ever wanted to be part of.)... A couple years before Austin's accident, on June 24th, a friend's nephew was killed in an accident.

A few weeks before Austin's accident he sent me a message, "I know you worry about me because you're my mom. But I want you to know, you don't need to." ...Hmmmm.

When we did a personality test for everyone in my family (my parents, siblings, husband, and children) not one personality was the same... except mine and Austin's - we were the same....I sure feel sorry for everyone else, since mine and Austin's is the best one to have. Or so we used to joke.

The name of Austin's electrical business was "Start to Finish".... Austin lived his life to the fullest...

...from START to FINISH!

And that's no coincidence!





Dreaming "Austin" Dreams...

Dreams. Where do they come from? What do they mean? Are they our minds way of processing events, making heads or tails out of them? Does every dream have meaning, just a little, or none at all? I don't know.

What I do know, is that some dreams seem so real, it's actually a little crazy.

Some people swear they never dream. This is because they never remember their dreams, even immediately after waking. However, studies show we all dream, we just don't always remember. Why?... I don't know.

What I do know is that I, myself, wake up at least once a night remembering my dreams, even if it's for a fleeting moment or just bits and pieces. Sometimes my dreams are bizarre and all mixed up; I know there is no way they are real. Other times it feels as though the event took place, right then and there. It is the latter that can be unsettling, that can follow me through the day, week or month. I have, more than once, had a dream where my husband did something that really ticked me off. I wake up mad at him and find myself still mad, throughout the day, for something he really didn't even do. The poor guy, he just can't get a break, even when he's sleeping.

After Austin died, friends would tell me about dreams they had, in which Austin had a conversation with them. For the first few months, any time I dreamt about Austin, he had already died, we were simply dealing with losing him. Then, one night my dream was different. It included Austin, alive. I don't remember the specifics, I just remember him laughing. It was the laugh I was so familiar with; one so full of life. A fun chuckle, followed with an "Oh yeah. And remember when..." In life, he was always reminiscing stories and events with friends and family, always including his light-hearted laugh. That night I woke with a smile and an "Oh Austin, how I miss that laugh!" thought. When I think of that dream, the only thing I remember is the laugh, and I can still hear it.

After the "laughing" dream, I didn't have another "Austin" dream for quite some time. Then, a couple months ago, I had a different dream; one I've carried in my mind and heart. This one seemed very real, as though it actually happened. I only remember a snippet, but that snippet brings me both comfort and tears, all at the same time.

In this dream, I am driving in my car, with Austin riding in the passenger seat. He's crying a little and says "Mom, I am so sorry..." I reply, "I know you are, Bud. I know you are. Oh, I love you." And I pull him to me and kiss his head. Then, I wake up. And it felt like I had just spent a little time with him. As if I had a little closure.

Later, as I'm thinking about this dream, it feels as though it could be the closure to a text conversation Austin and I had a few weeks before his accident. He said to me, "Mom, I know you worry about me because you're my mom and it's your job. But you know, you really don't need to."

Ever since Austin's accident my mind keeps answering that text, "Yeah Austin, I did need to worry. It was my job. I miss you...." And in this dream, it's as though Austin's answering my thoughts... "I'm sorry, Mom." That's how Austin was. He wasn't afraid to say, "I'm sorry." or "I love you."

And it was my chance to tell him, "I love you," one last time.

The Wheels Keep Turning

The wheels in my mind go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels in my mind go round and round, all through the town...

A funny thought came to me the other day, as I was driving around town. Every time I climb in the car, turn the engine on and start driving, the wheels on my car start turning - round and round, round and round. And when I'm by myself, the wheels in my mind immediately begin to go round and round, round and round, all at the same time.

The topic turning in my mind is always the same... Austin. It's as though I'm driving on "Austin Lane" Everything I see, every song I hear, every thought I have always detours my mind to Austin. "Remember when Austin did this... Remember when Austin did that... Austin would just love this!... I can just hear Austin now... I wonder what Austin would be doing right now... and on and on and on my thoughts travel."

When I arrive at my destination, park the car and turn off the ignition, my mind simultaneously turns off the 'Austin thoughts', bringing me back to the day's events.

It's always nice to take a detour from the day with Austin. After all, "Life is a Highway!" and sometimes you just need to travel the "Austin Lane".

God's Answer to Prayers

Warning: This blog may cause controversy and raise emotions... you may agree or you may disagree... that's ok, these are simply my thoughts...

"My mother's cancer is gone. God answered our prayers.".... "My husband is going to be ok from the accident. God answered my prayers."... "I didn't lose my job during the last round of layoffs. God is good - He answered my prayers."... "My niece was very, very sick and the doctors didn't think she was going to make it, but she pulled through. God answered our prayers. God is good."

I could go on and on with comments I hear on a regular basis that make me cringe. Sometimes I even taste a little blood, from biting my tongue so hard. What I want to say in response to these comments is, "What if your mother's cancer killed her? Would you still say God answered your prayers?"... "What if your husband isn't going to be ok from the accident? What if he will never walk again? Would you still say God answered your prayers?"... "What if you were laid off, can't find a job, and can't pay your mortgage. Would you still say 'God is good. He answered my prayers.'"... "What if your niece hadn't made it? What if she had died? Would you still say God answered your prayers? Would you still say 'God is good?'"

Have you ever heard someone say, when the doctor announces the cancer is incurable, "God answered our prayers."?... Have you ever heard someone say, when their house is foreclosed on, "God is good, He answered our prayers.'?... Have you ever had someone say to you, when their son is killed in an accident, "God answered our prayers."?

Just my thoughts.

You see. I have always prayed for my children. I pray for their safety. I pray that they get through difficult situations. I pray for their health.... On the morning of Austin's accident I prayed that he would be ok. My husband prayed he'd be ok. Friends and family prayed he'd be ok." But he died. Does that mean God didn't answer our prayers? Does that mean God isn't good?

Not at all. God does answer prayers - all of them. But, sometimes He answers "yes", sometimes "no", and sometimes "not now".  On June 24th, 2010 God answered my prayer with a resounding "No."

It reminds me of my having to watch my children struggle through difficult situations. Sometimes I will step in and help; other times I understand I must watch my children deal with pain, knowing they will be better for it. And when they ask for something, sometimes my answer is "Yes," sometimes it's "No" and sometimes it's "Not now." Not because I don't love them, but because I love them more than life itself. I will always stand by them, even as my heart is aching as I watch them struggle, because I know they must go through the pain to become stronger.

I hate the answer God gave me on June 24th, 2010. I do not understand it; I do not want it. And I have no choice, but to accept it.

Even with that "no" answer, I know God is still good. When I asked Him to help me get through this tragedy, He answered with a "Yes". He gave me the strength needed to go on. He put beautiful people in my life, to walk by my side through this horrific experience.

This is life... the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Just my thoughts...

So please, don't be offended, if you ever say to me, "God answered our prayers," and I just smile, saying nothing. Because He did answer - He always does: Yes, No, Not Now...

Just my thoughts.

Mind Games

I have a confession to make... I really can understand how when someone gets older, and their mind doesn't work as well, they think one of their loved ones, who they lost a long time ago, is still here. I have a feeling, that when I'm old and senile my mind will play those kind of tricks on me.

Senile (adj): mentally less acute later in life; forgetful, confused, or otherwise mentally less acute in later life.

Before anyone thinks I've already gone senile, I want to assure you I have not. It's just that there are days that I will think about Austin and it seems like he's still here. But then my thoughts will take me back to the morning of June 24th, when I was getting packed to come be with Austin after his accident.  I see myself sitting at the desk in "his room" - where I was pulling information from the computer that I was going to need while I was in NY with Austin as he was recuperating, when the phone rang. I hear the doctor telling me that Austin hadn't made it and I hear myself asking her, over and over, "Really, Austin's dead? Are you sure? Really? No, really? OK... really?" She kept asking if someone was with me. I said, no, but I could get someone, "but, really?"

That's when my mind reminds my heart that Austin is not here, really. And even then, I have to admit, I am still not able to completely grasp that Austin is gone... not just for a few months or years, but for good. He is gone forever. Really.

"It is the neverness that is so painful. Never again to be here with us... All the rest of our lives we must live without him... A month, a year, five years - with that I could live. But not this forever..." Exerpt from Lament for a Son, by Nicholas Wolterstorff

In my very first post, I included the above quote, and today it is still one that runs through my mind on a regular basis. "It is the neverness that is so painful...."

And so I wonder, will there come some point in my very old age, where my mind will decide to no longer hold onto that fact, that Austin is gone, forget about the neverness and just remember the times he was here? And, when I'm 90, if that happens, do me a favor and just play along... Really...