Thursday, January 12, 2012

Thoughts and Emotions All Over The Place

Every day I think I should write another blog entry. Every day I have so many thoughts running through my head, but I can't seem to get them organized to put to pen. Some of the thoughts are things, feelings, and ideas that I have already mentioned. Some are new reflections on what the past year and a half has brought. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be able to describe what I am thinking in a way that will truly convey my thoughts and feelings.

Tuesday I started my Adobe In-Design class. It's an accelerated course that runs only six weeks, meeting twice a week. The final project is a book. Hmmmm.... if my memory serves me correctly I have been working on a book for over a year now. A book on Livin' Lovin' Life - Austin Style. Yup! I will finally have the book completed.

Maybe that's what my problem has been. I will be working on this book for six weeks and I know that it will take an emotional toll - stirring up memories of Austin. They will be good memories, but ones that will remind me how much I miss him, how much I wish he was here, and how it seems like just yesterday that I spoke with him, but at the same time it seems so long ago.

As I'm writing this blog entry I am becoming more and more certain that the reason I have been unable to write anything since my last entry on 12/24/2012 is because I know my heart can only handle so much reminding of how much it misses Austin.

There is still so much I want to share - reflections, encouragement, thoughts, and memories. I know I will get to them, when the time is right. I also know that I have to listen to my gut, which is telling me that I only have so much emotional energy in a day. Right now it must be reserved for this book. When it's completed I will then be able to share so much more.

And hey, you never know, I may get a burst of energy next week and write another blog.... you just never know. Life is always full of surprises....

PS: As I was going through pictures for the book I stumbled across a picture of the rainbow that was "shining" the day Austin died. It greeted us as we pulled up to my dad's house that afternoon. As I look at it I think, "This is how my mind feels right now - full of all kinds of thoughts and emotions - clouds with sun and beauty shining through, all at the same time..."
Austin's Rainbow