I was walking through my house the other day, noticing how some of the rooms are organized and neat, while others have found themselves to be the "dumping ground". Sometimes, those "dumping" rooms start to drive me crazy and I have to take time and organize them. Other days, I don't have time to deal with them, so I simply close the door and "let it be" - for then. I know that at some point I will venture into those rooms and start to put them back in order. It may be for only an hour, where I will deal with part of the mess, then I will be called away, on to another task or go somewhere else. I will once again shut the door, knowing I will soon return.
There are times when I have no choice and have to clean the area, right then. Perhaps it's in the main living space and I can only stand the mess for a short time. Or maybe, it's one of the guess rooms that I need to straighten for company coming later in the day or week. Or, it may simply be that I'm just plain bored and can't stand the thought that there's a mess in the room. I become energized and decide to tackle the battle head-on, get it over with, get it cleaned. And, there are times when I walk into a messy room and feel overwhelmed. I just stand there, thinking, "Ugh... this will be impossible." I may sit for a bit, trying to figure out where to start, can't figure it out, get up, walk out, and shut the door - not having the energy, at that moment, to deal with it. It will still be there for me another day, when I am motivated. But not now.
Eventually, the room will be back in order and I will leave the door open. As I walk by the clean room, I may even find myself walking in, just to appreciate it - to just sit and soak it in.
It's odd how sometimes a mess can drive me crazy, I can't stand being in the same room, I have to clean it or get out. But then, other times, that same mess doesn't bother me. I'm able to just "let it be".
And so it is with my dealing with my thoughts of Austin. There are days that I either don't have the time or the energy to deal with with my sorrow, that I have to close the door and just "let it be". Once in a while, my mind walks by and gets a brief glimpse, a fleeting thought about how much I miss Austin. It may be a flashback, to the day I received the call and I relive the sadness that reaches to the core of my being. And sometimes when the thoughts come, I think, "Not now, I can't go there. I have places to go and things to do. I just don't have time." And so, I close the door, knowing I will be back.
Other times, I purposely open the door. I need to think about Austin, about the joy he brought me, about how much I love him and miss him more than words can describe. I need to laugh at the silly things he'd do and smirk about how sometimes he would frustrate me, in his own little ways, and how I could never stay mad at him long. I need to reflect on the life-altering day, when I got the news. I need to sift through my thoughts and feelings, let them sink in, move them around, put them in order, get comfortable with them.
There is an odd comfort when I enter the "Austin room", as I sit with my tears, wishing I had had more days, months, and years with Austin. It may be for only a few minutes, an hour, or the entire day. I simply do what needs to be done, at that point in time... I just let it be.
The "Austin room" is always there, waiting for me to stop by, sort it out, clean it up, or when it's in order, just appreciate it. And when I can't enter it, I just "let it be" and go on with my day, knowing that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, the "Austin room" is always there.
Because, Austin is always in my heart - always has been and always will be.