Friday, March 23, 2012
Just Like Yesterday
So why, then, did an aching sadness wash over me as I was sitting in Austin's room, folding clothes. (His room doubles as a guest room and laundry folding room.) I could not put my finger on the reason.For a minute I thought it might be all the motorcyclists I noticed on the road, as I drove through town - more than I've ever seen in one day. Every time I came upon one (or two or three), which was about every three to four minutes, I thought of Austin and said a quick prayer for the safety of all motorcyclists on the road that day. But, I knew that wasn't the cause of my feelings. So, I simply chalked it up to just one of those times when out of the blue my heart ached for and missed Austin.
Then today, while walking into the house, smelling the fresh, warm air, it hit me... yesterday was identical to the morning I got The Call. After I hung up the phone with the doctor and with everyone I needed to contact immediately, I waited for my brother to get home, who was riding with us to NY. I tried to pull together, in my mind, everything that needed to be done. I walked out to my backyard, and sat on the patio swing, and tried to figure out what was going on, but I didn't know what to think, what to do. So, I just sat there, while the light breeze touched my face and the sun beat down on me. Any other time it would have been a perfect late-June day, any other time...
Throughout my life there have been certain smells, sounds, foods, and other things that bring back memories, and make it feel as though it was "just like yesterday" - the smell of the shampoo I used in college, a crisp fall day like the days of high school football games, the laughter of a baby so similar to my own boys' laughter at that age, the woody smell that met me every time I walked into the entry way at my Grandma's (I loved those visits), the list goes on and on - and now I have one more to add to the list... one that will always remind me of a late June day, one that will always be etched in my heart.
A friend of Austin's told me that whenever she has a day that Austin seems to be on her mind and is everywhere she turns, one when the missing of Austin is a little stronger than most days, she says she's having an "Austin Day". I've borrowed that term several times since then, and now am adding to it. I think there will be times that I find myself having an "Austin June Day" - even when it's not June. And now that I've been able to identify this feeling, I will simply embrace it, accept it, and call it by name, knowing that it is one more sign that Austin's sunshine and warmth will always be with me!