Drive Fast, Take Chances

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
~ Oscar Wilde

Have you ever met someone that just seemed to get life? They weren't afraid to face a challenge. They seemed to have an attitude of, "What's the worse that can happen?"

Have you ever passed up an opportunity because you were afraid of failure, because you didn't want to be embarrassed if you didn't succeed? My question to you is, "So what if you fail? Did you learn from it? Are you a stronger person because of it?"

That is what is meant by "Drive Fast, Take Chances!" Don't let the possibility of the word "No" stop you from stretching yourself and experiencing life.

I was meeting with Austin's friends this week, planning the 2nd Annual "Rembering Austin Narewski" event for this June. We were discussing what design to put on the t-shirts this year. Last year we used the same design that was on the window decals Austin's friends had created after he died. A few of the friends had received ridicule because of the words that were on the decal, "Drive Fast, Take Chances".

I remember when the decals first came out a few of my friends asked me how I felt about them, to which I would respond, "I am fine with them. This is Austin's friends way of remembering and honoring him." Austin's friends were not trying to be disrespectful, they were simply reiterating the words Austin would frequently say and definately lived by. Austin used to say those four words all the time, sometimes I think it was just to get a reaction out of me (along with a loving swat on the side of the head). None of us would encourage anyone to drive fast and recklessly, that is not what these decals meant. They are simply a reminder to all of us of how Austin lived his life. He wasn't afraid to take chances, to do something that made him a little nervous, that took him out of his comfort zone. He wasn't afraid to LIVE LIFE!

There are only two things guaranteed in life. First, we have all been born (that's what birthdays are celebrated for). Second, we will all die (there's no escaping this). It's what we do in the middle that counts... so why not make it the best you can... why not find the joy even in the little things... especially the little things! You only live once - so make it worth living.

Grab life by the handle bars and go for a ride...
Make it the ride of a life time!

Thoughts and Emotions All Over The Place

Every day I think I should write another blog entry. Every day I have so many thoughts running through my head, but I can't seem to get them organized to put to pen. Some of the thoughts are things, feelings, and ideas that I have already mentioned. Some are new reflections on what the past year and a half has brought. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be able to describe what I am thinking in a way that will truly convey my thoughts and feelings.

Tuesday I started my Adobe In-Design class. It's an accelerated course that runs only six weeks, meeting twice a week. The final project is a book. Hmmmm.... if my memory serves me correctly I have been working on a book for over a year now. A book on Livin' Lovin' Life - Austin Style. Yup! I will finally have the book completed.

Maybe that's what my problem has been. I will be working on this book for six weeks and I know that it will take an emotional toll - stirring up memories of Austin. They will be good memories, but ones that will remind me how much I miss him, how much I wish he was here, and how it seems like just yesterday that I spoke with him, but at the same time it seems so long ago.

As I'm writing this blog entry I am becoming more and more certain that the reason I have been unable to write anything since my last entry on 12/24/2012 is because I know my heart can only handle so much reminding of how much it misses Austin.

There is still so much I want to share - reflections, encouragement, thoughts, and memories. I know I will get to them, when the time is right. I also know that I have to listen to my gut, which is telling me that I only have so much emotional energy in a day. Right now it must be reserved for this book. When it's completed I will then be able to share so much more.

And hey, you never know, I may get a burst of energy next week and write another blog.... you just never know. Life is always full of surprises....

PS: As I was going through pictures for the book I stumbled across a picture of the rainbow that was "shining" the day Austin died. It greeted us as we pulled up to my dad's house that afternoon. As I look at it I think, "This is how my mind feels right now - full of all kinds of thoughts and emotions - clouds with sun and beauty shining through, all at the same time..."

Austin's Rainbow

Did You Know?

Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water? Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?.... Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man? Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy will calm the calm the storm with His hand?... Lyrics from "Mary Did You Know" originally written by Mark Lowry and Buddy Greene

This year, in the days and weeks leading up to Christmas, one of my favorite songs has been running through my mind, "Mary Did You Know". Clay Aiken's voice makes the words resonate in my heart. While I'm listening and singing along to it, I think of something that is not mentioned in the lyrics and want to ask, "Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy will die a tragic, painful death? Mary, did you know you will only have Him for 33 years? Mary, if you knew the pain and loss you'll suffer, would you still have been so joyous when the angel shared the news?"

Why didn't God tell her what was going to happen to Jesus? Why did He only have the angel say to her, 'He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David.... his kingdom will never end.' Luke 1:32/33(b) From this statement it sounds as if life would be all good for Jesus.... not just good, but great! It doesn't mention pain and suffering...

Then I think about losing Austin. If 23 years ago I had known the exact amount of time I would have with Austin and how he would die, would I have focused more on the fact that I was going to lose him, rather than enjoying the time I had with him? Would the time I did have with Austin been clouded, knowing how it would end sooner than I wanted it to? Would I have felt pressure to make sure certain things happened before he left us, instead of loving who he was at each point in his life? Would the joy of Austin's birth been less because at the same time I was thinking I would only have 21 years with him, which is not nearly enough time in my book?

Our minds have a preconceived idea of how life should be. We're born. We grow up, get married, have kids. Our kids get married and give us grandkids. We get old and our time to leave this Earth comes before our children's. The end.... This is the way it's supposed to be. But, life rarely works out exactly as we plan. The way we think things should happen and the way they actually do sometimes conflict. In actuality, there are only 2 things guaranteed: we were born and we will die. The way the rest of our story unfolds often remains a mystery until it happens. Sure, some parts we seem to have a say in, but others not so much.

Yesterday marked the 18 month anniversary of Austin leaving us. It has been 18 months and 2 days since I last spoke with Austin on the phone, since I told I loved him. As I reflect on this and on the question, "On the day Austin was born do I wish I had known how long I would have to hug him and love him?" the answer comes to me quickly. "No. Because I know I would have spent much of that time worrying, counting down the days, all while losing out on enjoying the actual time I had with him - both the ups and downs of raising him to be the beautiful, caring young man he was becoming.

Then I think about Jesus' story some more. God sent His son to Earth, knowing what was going to happen, knowing Jesus was going to suffer terribly, but He did it anyway. Thirty three years later God allowed Jesus to be crucified and God felt the pain of His son dying (before he rose three days later) so we could all go to Heaven. God felt the same kind of pain I did when I lost Austin. God understands my hurt and sadness.

Today, as I celebrate the birth of Jesus, I am thankful that, because of Him, I will see Austin again in Heaven. I don't know when this will be, but am looking forward to that day, when I can once again hear his voice, see his smile, and give him a huge hug. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy the days (hopefully years) I have with my other two boys and husband, with my memories keeping Austin alive in my heart.

PS: Here is the link to the song, "Mary Did You Know". Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07SQgt-Jmws&feature=related

STRENGTH - What Is It?

STRONG (adj.): firm; durable
STRENGTH (n.): toughness; durability; the power to resist attack

During the months following Austin's death several people commented to me, "You are so strong." "I can't believe your strength. I don't think I could do it."

Which led me to ask myself a couple questions:  "What does it mean, 'I don't think I could do it?'" "What does it mean to be strong, especially when you lose a child?"

Q: What does it mean, 'I don't think I could do it?'"

R: I remember when it was just Austin and me. Other mothers would state, "I don't think I could do it; I couldn't be a single mom." To which I would answer, "If you ended up in that situation, you would figure out a way to make it work. What other choice would you have?"

In regards to going on after losing a child I wonder, "What would I 'not do'? Would I not wake up every morning? Would I not be a mom to my other two sons, who still need a me? Would I stop living, even though I was still alive?" Perhaps that was/is an option, but not the one I chose. In fact, it was never even an option for me. In the days, weeks, and even at times the months, following Austin's death, there were mornings I would wake up and think, "I'm so tired, I could lay here all day." But after a few minutes I would be bored, thinking,"What use is this? If I lay here all day it isn't going to take away my sadness and pain, so I might as well get up."

Don't get me wrong, there were days that I got little or nothing accomplished. My mind couldn't focus on anything but missing Austin and I couldn't get out of my own way. There were times when I didn't answer the phone because I just couldn't talk, and then other times when the opposite happened, I needed to chat with a friend, I needed to be around people. There were tasks I couldn't bring myself to do for a very long time: painting, tending to my landscaping - other than the bare essentials, exercising (more on this in a later blog), reading, driving alone in the car without crying, and on and on the list goes. My energy level was much lower than normal and my ability to multi-task slowed substantially. But, I had to live, I had to go on, in whatever manner I was able to manage at each specific point in time.

To some this might sound like strength, but to me I was just doing what I had to do. I wonder, if instead of saying "I don't think I could do it," what they're really saying is, "I don't ever, ever want to have to endure that kind of loss. I can't imagine, I don't want to imagine what it's like, ever!"

"Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it, and accept it." ~ A Breath of Fresh Air

Q: "What does it mean to be strong, especially when you lose a child?"

R: It's amazing, when we are put in situations that we never imagined being in, what we do to survive. Until you're there you have no idea how you will react. Traveling down the road of life there are tunnels no one wants to enter, because from the outside, looking in, they are so pitch-black you do not see how you'll ever survive the trip. You have no idea what you would or could do to make it through the dark, stormy tunnel. You don't know what's on the other side and cannot fathom  sunshine waiting for you at the other end.

I can tell you, today, that sometimes you're rammed into that scary, turbulent tunnel, like it or not. In the beginning you cannot see, even a glimpse of, light at the other end. You cannot turn back, though, so you keep moving along. Sometimes slow, sometimes fast, and sometimes you even come to a complete stop - due to construction or to get your bearings. You cannot stop for long, because everyday life keeps pushing (and sometimes pulling) you on. Before you know it, there's a little ray of light in front of you, peaking through the other end of the tunnel. As you continue your journey the light gets brighter and brighter, and you realize you're going to be OK. You're going to make it.

I think we often get confused about what strength means. When we see the word 'tough', in it's definition, we think we should never be sad, never cry, never get frustrated, never feel like quitting. But that's not true. I like the part of the definition that describes it as 'durability', because that better fits my situation. I am durable. I can make it, despite being sad, despite crying, despite getting frustrated, and wanting to yell, 'Stop the world I want to get off!' Being 'strong' means being able to acknowledge how you feel and being OK with it at that moment. It means being able to get your bearings, when your thrown for that upside down, inside out roller coaster ride, and figure out how to survive. It's seeing that the scars you're given can actually help you maneuver life's bumpy roads - potholes, detours, and all.

A few months after Austin's death, a friend sent me a bookmark with a beautiful saying, which truly sums up strength. The title is "You Are One of the Strongest Women I Know", but I think this applies to anyone who has fallen down and gotten up, who has faced life's trials and been made stronger. So, I have replaced the word "women" with "people". This goes out to all of mine and Austin's friends and family, who have walked the past 17-1/2 months with me...

You Are One of the Strongest People I Know!
 ~ Brenda Hager

Strong people are those who know the road ahead will be strewn with obstacles, but they still choose to walk it because it's the right one for them.

Strong people are those who make mistakes, who admit to them, learn from those failures, and then use that knowledge. They fail time and again, but still keep trying until they succeed.

Strong people face the daily trials of life, sometimes with a tear, but always with their heads held high as the new day dawns.

While typing the above quote I couldn't help but smile and think of Austin.... because this is how he dealt with life.... always ready to take on the new day - potholes and all!!! ...Usually with a smile!

Go take on the new dawn with your head held high!

LLL: It's Easier To Be Thankful When You Focus on the Good...

"Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results." ~Willie Nelson

Livin', Lovin', Life.... Choose to look at the good!

Last week I conducted software training  for a group of reps who was required to begin using the new program within the next week. There were a couple individuals who continually complained about what the program couldn't do instead of focusing on what it could. The problem with this is that looking at the negative was preventing them from learning what they needed to know to do their job successfully.

As I was flying home from the training, I began to draw comparisons between the reps' mindsets and life in general. How often do I focus on what I don't have, instead of what I do have? When has my negativity gotten in the way of my being appreciative of the blessings life has given me? When do I hone in on the idiosyncrasies of an individual instead of highlighting his/her goodness? When I focus on the negatives I find myself being more negative, but when I put my eyes on the positives I am uplifted and energized.

In my mind's typical fashion, it moved from generalities to specifics... losing Austin... and was reminded once again how blessed I have been. I know I've blogged about this before, but I think about it often - while grieving for Austin, I have been able to see the goodness of this world. All I have to do is look around and be thankful for my friends (including the friends Austin left me), husband, sons, parents, and siblings. I have a beautiful home, loving support, food on the table, a warm bed, and lots of extras. I have more than I need, both physically and emotionally. I am truly fortunate and blessed!

My thoughts continued drifting with more thoughts of Austin. One thing that made him so "likable" was his ability to enjoy what he had. Sure, he was always wanting another toy or gadget, but he also thankful for the little things in life. Whether it was an old beat-up pick-up truck, or a newer Subaru he was driving, he was proud of them. He was content with his worn out sneakers. In fact, I had to force him to let us buy him a new pair of shoes and throw his stinky, holey ones away. Did he ever get frustrated with different situations? Absolutely! But then he'd regroup and figure out what he could do to either accept or change what he didn't like. He didn't focus on what he couldn't do, but chose to take action on what he could do.

A few blogs ago I discussed the importance of embracing who we were made to be. But, I truly believe that needs to be taken one step further. We must also accept others for who they were made to be, even if they are different than us! Does it mean we'll never get annoyed or irritated with people or situations? No! What it means is that we won't expend energy dwelling on the negative, but instead allow ourselves to become energized by the positives. We will be thankful for the differences in others and see how they can compliment us. By doing this we lift others up, instead of dragging them down.

Austin loved his friends and family, even when we drove him crazy. His attitude carried over to everyone he met, he just loved finding new friends. He possessed a special gift of being able to see the good in people, and ignore their quirks (most of the time). He appreciated them for who they were. (Again, I know I've mentioned this before... but that's what made Austin so special.) I remember one time when Austin came to visit. We went to Quedoba's for lunch and one of the workers was trying so hard to do a good job. Austin struck up a conversation with the guy, showing him that his friendly customer service was appreciated. That was Austin, always taking time to chat it up with someone, to make them feel valued.

Do you ever notice how negative individuals drain you, but people who tend to be positive lift your spirit? Who do you prefer to spend time with? How much more enjoyable would our days be if we valued the good in others, and ignored the peculiarities? What would happen if we looked at the positives of life (both in people and situations), instead of the negatives? The more we appreciate what we have, the more we will realize life is good. Amongst the challenges we face, both the everyday and life-altering ones, life is still very, very good!

Today (and every day) give thanks for what you have!!!!

Memories Galore!

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

One "concern" I sometimes have is that, as time goes on, I may forget things about Austin. I want to hold his memories close and never forget a single thing. But, my fear is probably unnecessary, because the opposite seems to be happening. I find myself remembering more, instead of less. I will see, hear or smell something that stirs a memory I had forgotten. It appears that the memories have not disappeared, but have simply recessed somewhere in my brain, waiting to be summoned at just the right moment. Moments like...

... Driving on Route 104 in Oswego... One day this past summer, on my way to camp, I drove by a gas station that brought me back to remembering the day Austin rode his bike (the one he owned previously prior to his last one) to his aunt's camp. I met him at that gas station to show him how to get to her camp, which was a mile or 2 on back roads from that spot. I could see the proud look on his face when we arrived at the party and people came to look at his bike....

... Surprise visit from Austin... A few years ago Austin decided to surprise one night. He drove to Massachusetts, arriving in the wee hours of the morning and unbeknownst to us, snuck inside the house (he had a key), crawled into his sleeping bag, plopped on the couch and fell asleep. I woke in the early morning and came downstairs to find this lump on my couch? I was confused at first, until I realized it was Austin... what an wonderful surprise that warmed my heart.

... 2nd surprise visit from Austin... Mike and I knew Austin was coming late at night, but his brothers didn't. They spent the night at the next door neighbors. The morning, after Austin arrived, he went knocking at the neighbor's door asking for the boys. They were so excited, saying "Austiiiiiiin!

... 5K events... Again, driving to camp, I drove through a section of a town where a 5K event was in progress. Seeing the runners conjured up the memories of the time Austin ran in the Crosswinds 5K. He hadn't trained for it at all - which was so Austin. I don't even know if he wore running shoes (at that age running shoes weren't "cool" and most of the time he was sporting "Skate" shoes). As he was running, trying to keep up with the others, he was with he kept huffing and puffing and saying, "I can't see". But he refused to stop. I'm sure he was encouraging for those he ran next to. They probably had better time than they otherwise would have, as they were most likely running faster to get away from hearing Austin's groans. Listening to the stories told afterwards just made me smile, because I could visualize Austin's run so clearly. I think the stories were told over and over many times, for many years.

... Summer's here... Every year when I open the pool, I am sure the memory of Austin picking me up and jumping in the pool with me, clothes and all, will always come to mind. Austin's brothers laughed so hard.

... Visiting the Emergency Room... Late one night, in November 2007, I took Austin to the emergency room with an abscessed tonsil. The next morning, as we were waiting for Austin to be discharged, he was still all medicated up. There was a delay in signing of the release papers due to other emergencies arriving. Austin was getting a little antsy to leave, then he stopped and smiled, saying, "I know why they won't let me go. They like me!" I couldn't stop laughing, because he was so darn cute! I can still see the silly smirk and hear his light-hearted voice, that only Austin had.

... Coming home from the ER visit... Immediately after Austin being discharged from the ER... The memories continue.... A couple hours after we arrived home from the ER visit, we were getting ready to head to my dad's for dinner. Everyone was in the car waiting. I came out and went to climb in the front seat, there was Mike in the front passenger seat and Austin...in the driver's seat! The two other boys were buckled in the back seat. I asked, "What is Austin doing?" Mike stated, "He wanted to drive." To which I replied, "I don't think so! Over my dead body... He's still has the pain medicine in him!" With a grin and a chuckle, Austin moved to the back seat....

... Baby blankets with satin trim... I bet most people don't know that old silk nightgowns are perfect "blankie" material. Austin loved the silky trim on his blankie. He loved it so much that it kept coming unthreaded and I'd have to sew it back on. One day I couldn't find his blanket, which made bedtime/naptime rough. Then I got an idea.... I cut large rectangles out of an old satiny nightgown of mine and gave those to him. Problem solved! (It was great for me too, because I was so tired of the silk strip wearing out and having to sew it back up.)

... Generators needed... When we lost power this past August from Hurricane Irene, and then again this October from the Nor'easter snow storm, people either turned on their generators, bought a generator, or talked about how they had to get one before the next "storm"...every time generators are mentioned I remember Austin being excited because the store/shop he worked at, for a while, sold generators. Every time he sold one he'd offer his electrical services (for a fee) to install them for the customer. He was always excited when he got a job to do that.... Always looking for ways to make a little extra.

... The messy basement... There are certain sections in my basement that when I clean I can't help but remember Austin, as his boxes are all around.

... Yellow Subaru t-shirts.... The other day as I was folding the yellow Subaru t-shirt that Matthew "stole" from Austin when he was visiting one week-end reminded me of Austin. The next time Austin came to visit Matt was wearing the shirt. Austin noticed it and said, "Hey! That's my shirt, I've been looking for it. Where'd you get it from?" Matthew just laughed and kept it. Matthew loves yellow, Subarus, and most of all Austin, that's why he "stole" it...

... Chocolate Chip Cookies... Every time I make chocolate chip cookies I will think of Austin. He liked them best without the chips. So now I make a few "chipless chocolate chip cookies" every time I bake them.

... Homemade Mac & Cheese... For the longest time Austin was the only one that liked (no loved) my homemade mac & cheese. I would try to make it whenever he came to visit. Now, everytime I make it Austin is with me. (And both my other boys have decided they love it too!)

... That Christmas Tree's Mine!... A few years ago we were Christmas tree shopping. We still go and cut our own, it's a family tradition. The tree farm we went to actually let you drive down the paths between the rows of tree. Austin and I couldn't stop laughing that we were so lame that we were sitting in a warm cozy car scouting out trees. Then we spotted a couple looking at a tree, like they really wanted it. Austin and I started joking how we should get out and run up to the tree and start cutting it down, like we were taking it, then say, "Just kidding." We even got out of the car and started walking towards it. The couple looked at us, so we just turned and kept laughing. Mike did not find this amusing, which just made us laugh harder. Ever since that Christmas, whenever we go for our annual Christmas tree hunt that story gets brought up. It was so Austin!

Some memories seem to be always there, lingering in all my thoughts, others come for a moment and then recess to the back of my mind, not to return for a very long time, and still others appear every time I see or hear a trigger (like chocolate chip cookies and homemade mac & cheese).

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death. ~Author Unknown

Another fear I have is that I will forget the sound of Austin's voice and laugh, but I am blessed to have a couple videos of Austin, that capture his essence to the full. Whenever I feel I can't "remember" I simply watch the video and the memories come flooding back and warm my heart - his smile, laugh, voice, and mannerism - it's as if he's right next to me.

After reflecting on how memories come and go every day, I've decided, it doesn't matter which type of memory it is, I just know I will hold each one to my heart and savor it while I can. He is always with me!

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. ~Author Unknown

Home is Where the Heart Is...

Ever since Austin died I have had so many emotions stirred up when I return home to Massachusetts, after visiting Upstate NY. I've always attributed this to having been back in my hometown, where most of my life with Austin had been spent, where so many memories appear around every corner. Then this week I came to the realization that it's the returning to my own home, after being away, that unsettles me.

Last week I was gone for four days on a business trip. Things were good. I would think of Austin, especially when someone asked how many kids I had and how old they were, but it was no different than any other day. However, within a couple hours upon returning home, the extreme "missingness" feelings for Austin arrived. These were the same emotions I experience every time I return from Upstate NY.  This is when I realized that it's the actual "coming home" that is the trigger, and not simply NY.

I don't know why, but wonder if it may be because that's when I truly feel something is "missing". Even though Austin never lived in this particular house for more than his week-end (or on occasion week) visit, he knew this was his home. And I knew that at any time he might decide to join us for a visit, or give us a call on the phone asking, "What's up?" or "How do I get to this road?". It is when I'm away from the home and then return that I notice, even more so, what is missing (and always will be).

During our house hunting days for a home in Massachusetts, one criteria was that the place have a bedroom specifically for Austin. Even though he chose to stay in NY for college, I wanted him to know that this was his home too, the same as if we were still in the house he grew up in. So perhaps, it's knowing that Austin will never again bless these rooms with his physical presence... knowing that it will never be complete in the way I had always thought it would be... that brings an subconscious sadness every time I return home. Because even though Austin was only here on occasions, this entire house is filled with his memories. That was Austin, filling a place with his presence, where ever he went.



These strong feelings don't last long, usually only a day or two. I handle them the way I have dealt with my feelings for the past 16-1/2 months - I simply embrace them and let my mind and body process things in their own way. I understand it is because Austin was such a huge part of me that I feel his absence so strong at times. I am thankful for the fact that I have so many memories to tug on my heart. It means I was lucky to have had the time I did with Austin, because if I didn't I wouldn't have these memories - memories to hold in my heart and fill my home with (even when his presence is gone).

* Next blog is on "Memories.... they keep on coming"