I never realized how much energy is used up when I am sad, until these past 4 months. Even if it's only one hour that I have felt a heavy sadness, by the end of the day I feel like I've been in the pool or at the ocean jumping the waves.You know that "water-logged" feeling your body has after an afternoon at the beach. A fatigue washes over you and you're mush.
Ann Dawson sums it up beautifully in A Season of Grief:
"Working through the grief of losing a loved one is an enormous undertaking. It uses up much of our energy and most of our waking moments. I have sometimes compared it to attempting to swim across a vast ocean. When we first step into the ocean we begin our grief-journey. We have no other recourse but to seim to the far side. Some days the waters will be peaceful and we can float along and let the tides carry us. Some days we might find ourselves washed up onto a small island where we can rest from the throes of our grief for a while. But eventually we must again enter the vast expanse. Some days will be stormy and we may feel helpless as the waves toss us about and threaten to overwhelm us....
There are no shortcuts to this journey. In order to get to the other side we must fully immerse ourselves in the waters of our grief, and we must work with all of our strength and determination to get to the other side. There are days when we ride along the tops of the waves and may be able to see the distant shore, and then there are days when we again feel lost and adrift. But we we should never give up hope of eventually finding shore." - Ann Dawson, A Season of Grief
"Sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us it leaves on the spot we know that if is strong we are stronger inasmuch as it passes and we remain." -Henry James, "Grief Defined"
Once again, I am reminded, that I need to hold strong. As I look back, I can see how today I am stronger than I was 2 months ago. I still have my rough times, but they are fewer and further in between (whether that means only a handful of times a day versus all day or a couple days per week versus daily). And, when I am struggling, the lifeguards (aka: friends and family) are there to help me along and keep me adrift.
Thank you, my personal life guards, for all you do and say!!!!