I Am Blessed

"Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings." - Author Unknown

Over the past few days, as I've been following the Japan tragedy, a couple thoughts have been running through my mind. The strongest is, "I was so blessed when Austin passed away."

I know that sounds like a strange statement, so let me explain. I do not mean I was blessed that Austin died, not at all. But I was blessed (and still am) to be surrounded by family and friends to help me through the days, weeks, and months following. I was/am blessed to have a home, comfortable bed, warm shower and refrigerator full of food. I was/am blessed to have my husband, other two sons, parents, siblings, and friends by my side, grieving alongside me. I had all the pictures I needed to remember Austin and use to celebrate his life at the calling hours and funeral. I was able to give Austin a "proper" burial. I was/am blessed that the only thing I had to worry about was grieving for Austin and loving my family. All my other needs were (are) tended to. I was/am blessed to have my health. I am blessed for everything I have...

As I watch the news and videos of what is going on in Japan, my heart aches. I am so sorry for everyone affected by this tragedy - for the loss of their loved ones (for many, it's not just one, but several) and how life as they knew it has literally been turned upside down and inside out. The survivors have so much more to deal with than simply grieving for the ones that did not survive....  Many don't even know if their family and loved one(s) are alive or dead - the unknowing must be so painful and frustrating (I don't think words can even describe it). Many lost their entire family. They lost their home. Everything is in complete rubble! They have nothing but the clothes on their back. They have to worry about where to sleep and how to get food and fresh water. The chance of being exposed to radiation is a real fear. Many are injured. They have to worry about additional aftershocks, earthquakes, and/or tsunamis. There are not enough body bags or coffins for those who died. The list goes on and on and on. I cannot imagine....

And so this is how I can say "I am blessed"...

"Take five minutes and sit quietly and reflect on all the blessings in your life." - Catherine Pulsifer

Life is Interesting

Life is an interesting thing. Sometimes we do something and don't realize the impact it may have years to come on either ourselves or others. We never know how something we've experienced can be used to help someone else.

I've been reading Choosing to See, by Mary Beth Chapman. Mary Beth is the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman, a popular Christian music artist. In May 2008 their 17-year son accidentally hit and killed their 5-year daughter. In her book, Mary Beth discusses not only the accident and the time after it, but also her years prior to it (including high school and college years). Eleven or twelve years before their daughter's death Steven Curtis Chapman wrote and recorded "With Hope". It was written about the journey toward heaven. When I read the lyrics I immediately thought of Austin:

"With Hope" - by Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Here is the link to a video of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcYRr1dk7wA

As I continued to read on, I was amazed to discover that one or two years after the song had been written, friends of the Chapman's lost their 8-year old daughter in a car accident (in which the mother was driving). Their friends asked Steven Curtis Chapman to sing this song at their daughter's funeral. During the following years Mary Beth and this mother's friendship grew and strengthened. Ten years later this friend was the first person Mary Beth called after her own tragedy (the death of her own daughter)?

Who would have imagined, when Steven Curtis Chapman wrote and recorded "With Hope", that it would have such a powerful impact on one of their own friends a couple years later, and even more so, how it would relate to their very own tragedy - 12 years later?

As I've been working on my book, in memory of Austin and Living Life to the Fullest, my youngest son came up with his own quote, "Every day is not good, but there is something good in every day." And isn't this how it is with life...

Life is definitely very interesting and not always how we hope it to be!!! But we can find good in it...

(Steven Curtis Chapman also has a new CD - "Beauty Will Rise" that is memory of his daughter. It is beautiful! One of the songs is "Heaven is the Face" - It is beautiful! Here is the link to the video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9JTwJ_1lzE )

Parenting Must Go On

Ahhh...the joys and trials of parenting! Your first child comes along with his own unique personality, right from the minute he's born. There is no handbook, no instructions, just this cute little bundle of joy, who soon becomes your guinea pig for Parenting 101 - as he travels through the different stages from infant to adult...

... Age 2 - aka the terrible 2's or 3's. Good thing he's oh so cute at the same time.
... Age 5 - he's heading off to Kindergarten, he's learning lots in the classroom (and on the bus). Mom realizes she has to let go, just a little.
... Age 11 or 12 - Off to middle school, and a little more independence. Mom tries to keep him as innocent as possible, for as long as possible, but still has to let go - a little bit more.
... Age 13 - Teen years begin - need I say more.
... Age 16 - Driver's permit, then license, oh boy, even more independence. Mom has to let go, just a little bit more (OK, a lot more!).
... Age 18 - He's packing his bags, it's college time! Mom really has to let go now - no helicopter parenting, please.
... Age 21/22 - He's graduating college, able to enter bars - legally, and enters the full-time employment arena (hopefully). This is it, he's spreading his wings and taking with him everything you taught him, figuring himself out, becoming a man.

The only problem is, just when you think you're getting it figured out with the first, along comes the second. And again, there's no handbook and no instructions, but that's OK, you've already hit those years with child #1, you're a pro, you have experience - no problem! Until, you realize... "Oh, baby #2 is much different than baby #1. What worked with baby #1, doesn't always work with baby #2." Another adventure begins!

So it's been with my three sons, each being unique, with his own strengths and weaknesses. When I reflect on each boy's distinct personality, I smile and my heart is warmed. Each child is a treasured gift, bringing both joy and "challenges". I must be continually adjusting and readjusting, figuring out (and sometimes, simply, guessing) what works with each one:

THE BEST METHODS OF ENCOURAGEMENT MAY BE...

• Hugs...
• Words of affirmation...
• A little extra time spent working with them side-by-side...
• Giving a little extra space to let them figure things out...
• Letting them know you enjoy their company...
• Laughing with them (not at them)...
• Or something I haven't thought of, yet...

Encouragement will sometimes be the same and sometimes be different, depending on the son and his personality.

WHAT AREAS IN THEIR LIVES DO THEY NEED A LITTLE PUSH (OR BIG PUSH) TO:

• Do better in school?
• Keep their rooms clean, or at least presentable?
• Use their money wisely?
• Be a good friend?
• Be a loving brother?
• Limit their socializing in class?
• Again, it may be different for each individual...

WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO DISCIPLINE...

• Speaking in a stern voice?
• Giving a spanking or soap in the mouth?
• Giving a time-out?
• Physical labor?
• Removing a privilege or grounding?
• Charging a specific dollar amount?
• Having a conversation with them?
• And the list goes on... and is changed, as needed.

For each situation, each child, and each stage of development the methods for "discipline" will be different:

• Where one child needs to be "encouraged" in one area, the other child(ren) may need it somewhere else. (Example: one may be great at getting his homework completed on time, while the other one is great at speaking kindly to his brother.)
• When young, where one needed a spanking, the other may have needed a stern voice to get him to "change his ways"; spanking or time-outs may work at one age, but grounding will work better at another age.
• Taking away one privilege may work for one of the boys, but the other one doesn't care about that privilege and needs something else removed to help them "see the light". (Example: One may love watching tv, while the other could care less, but would be impacted if their phone privileges were removed.)

And when you just figure it out, you have to readjust for the next stage or next child, then figure it out again, readjust again, and on and on it goes.  This takes energy and creativity - sometimes you have lots of it and sometimes your energy/creativity bank is in the red! At times, life throws you a curve ball, that makes the parenting game a little more challenging.

In the months since Austin died, my "parenting skills" have had to be readjusted. I now have to determine if the boys' behaviors and actions are more of a "reaction" to losing Austin, or simply because of their age and personality. (And age and personality does impact how each reacts to losing Austin.) They may be acting a specific way because of feelings they don't know how to deal with or they're trying to emulate the behaviors and personalities they have heard us sharing about Austin?

What the boys don't realize is, sometimes we laugh at things Austin did growing up, but he still got in trouble for them. Just like, we'll laugh at things each of them did as preschoolers, but still got in trouble for. It's funny now, but wasn't then. When it seems as though one of the boys is trying to act like Austin I gently explain that no one can be like Austin, just like no one can be like them. We are all made unique, with unique personalities and gifts. We need to be who we are made to be, not like anyone else. We were each created a certain way, for a certain reason - so embrace that and just be you!

As parents, we wonder, at times, "Is it really worth the effort? Will they ever appreciate everything I do? Wouldn't it be so much easier to let them do what they want?" But, I know, it is worth the effort, they will appreciate the things I do (at some point in their lives). It would be easier, in the short-run, if I gave in to everything they wanted, but in the long run, I know it is better to hold firm, and set loving boundaries. I know this, because of Austin...

Prior to Austin's death, whenever I became tired of setting limits, and holding to them, I would think of Austin. I would watch him at 21 years old - still figuring it out, but now coming to me for advice. Still making mistakes, but usually learning from them. (It's no different than with me - I'm still making mistakes and learning from them.) And often making wise choices. I would know, "Yes, it is worth it... hold strong, even when you want to throw your hands up and yell, 'Do whatever you want!" It does make a difference, in the long-run (and often in the short-run, too).

Today, when I think of Austin, I sometimes think, "I did all the hard work and now he's gone. What's the sense?" And when the boys are having "challenging" moments, I sometimes think, "I really don't know if I have the energy... do I really need to do this?" And my answer is always, "Yes, I do have to do this - energy or not. My job is to love my children, to teach and guide them, and to discipline them, when necessary, even if I don't feel like it." All I have to do is think of Austin - the beautiful person he was and the wonderful memories he left me with...

Ahhh, parenting... one wild and crazy ride... one that I wouldn't trade the for world!

Bitter Sweet

Ever since Austin passed away, it has been bitter-sweet when I visit my hometown. This past week, during the boys' February break, was no different. It's hard to explain how I feel when I'm there. I'm in constant motion, trying to take it all in, connect with as many friends and family as possible, and do the things I never slowed down long enough to do when I lived there. I always look forward to my visits, as there are so many wonderful things I now notice and appreciate, things that I didn't take time to appreciate while living there - the view of the lake... wine tours and Riesling Festival this summer... snow boarding this winter... Wegman's (even though I always enjoyed it, I enjoy it even more)... the open fields... spending time with my family and friends. And all the while I'm enjoying these new experiences, I have "Austin thoughts" popping up...

"Austin would have loved this... I wish Austin could see this... I remember when Austin did... " And so, my time in beautiful Upstate NY is now bitter-sweet...

BITTER, because I never feel there is enough time to see everyone and do everything I would like to. As I'm preparing for my trip, I always think I'm going to have so much time during the week, but the days end up flying by, and before I know it it's time to return back home, back to reality.

SWEET, because the hours are packed full of enjoyable times with so many friends and family. Time that is short, but cherished.

BITTER, because Austin fills my thoughts even more, as everything around reminds me of him and I feel he should be by our side, enjoying the moments with us. As we learned how to snowboard, during this last visit, Austin should have been there laughing at me and excited at how quickly his brothers picked up the sport. When I went out to Eddie O'Brien's the week-end prior to hear a friend (and his brother) play, Austin should have been there, chatting and laughing with all of us.

SWEET, because we are so busy visiting that I don't have a moment to remind my heart how much I miss him. I enjoy the memories and thoughts and time of reminiscing; I enjoy the opportunity to make new memories. I am kept so busy, entertaining the boys, that my thoughts of Austin are intermingled with conversations remembering him and all the things he used to do.

As I return to Massachusetts, the bitter-sweet feelings continue...

BITTER, because as I drive home, I know it will be a while before I have the opportunity to visit everyone again and I will miss everyone I just caught up with (and those I missed). As I leave my hometown, I feel like I'm leaving Austin all over again - even though he wasn't physically there, the memories are still so strong. And reality hits again, reality that he is gone.

SWEET, because it's always good to be back, in my own house and with the friends I do day-to-day life with. It feels good to get back to a schedule and routine (if that's what you call it).

BITTER, because, during the first few days back, the quiet moments are more intense and the thoughts of Austin become even stronger and I ache to see him again.

SWEET, because after the strong aching and cleansing tears, I can feel myself moving forward (although I don't know where forward is taking me), and the healing continue.

Each visit I am reminded, all over again, that life is bitter-sweet...

BITTER - because the bumps, hills and mountains, that come with life, are not always what I had planned, sometimes out of my control, and definately unwelcomed!

SWEET - because, even through tragedy, I continue to experience goodness and happiness. And I know, that even with heartache, life will continue, and life will be good - very good. Most importantly, through tragedy, my eyes are opened to, and I'm reminded of, what's truly important - my family and friends.

"We must live through the dreary winter if we would value spring; and the woods must be cold and silent, before the robins sing. The flowers must be buried in darkness, before they can bud and bloom. And the sweetest, warmest sunshine comes after the storm and gloom." - Anonymous

Coming to Life

"Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snows, lies the seed that with the sun's love, in the Spring becomes a rose." - "The Rose", by Bette Midler

Soon the temperature will warm, the snow will melt, the nights will get shorter, and the days will get longer. Winter will be replaced by Spring, and plants, that have been dormant, will push their way up, through the snow, and blossom. And so it is with my own "winter", where the sun seems to be shining more often, and I am beginning to experience a time of renewal.



"Into each life some rain must fall." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

On the 7-month anniversary of Austin's death, I found myself missing Austin more than I had in a long time. The tears poured down, like a rainstorm not wanting to stop. Of course, they did eventually dry up. And, like the way rain washes away snow on warm Spring days, so my tears washed away some of my sadness. And, just like crocuses push through the heavy snow to bring beauty on cold days, a rejuvenated spirit has been pushing through my grief, allowing me to feel joy in a way I haven't experienced, since Austin's death. This is a beautiful reminder that, although at times, there are harsh seasons which we must endure, there is light shining at the other side. And just like the short, cold winter days eventually turn into long, warm Spring ones, our dark moments are eventually replaced with longer and longer rays of sunshine, allowing us to begin to live again.

"However long the night, the dawn will break." - African Proverb

For 7 long months I've tried to enjoy life, the best I could,even while enduring a dark cloud overshadowing my emotions. Then, one day last week, I experienced a feeling that was very foreign to me - it felt like the "old" me, the one before Austin died. There was an excitement for life, one that I had forgotten about, one I thought I'd lost. I was truly enjoying the moment and loving it, while it lasted. But sometimes, that can be a scary feeling, because as I start living life again I wonder, "Does this mean I won't miss Austin? Will I be 'betraying' him by getting back, completely, in the game of life?" Absolutely not! I will always miss Austin, always love him, and always wish he had stayed around a little (no, a lot) longer. In fact, the best way to remember Austin is to live life the way he always did - to enjoy every moment, as much as possible, even when it's not going the way I want it to!

"With time, grief's force will diminish. freedom will return: freedom to be happy; freedom to remember; freedom to live; and freedom to love... and your pain will recede. Your heart will be scarred, but your heart will sing again: not the same song, not a weaker song, just a different song." - Gillian & Darryl Torckler

The feeling of "lightness" didn't last forever, but it has visited me, more and more frequently, throughout the days since. It is a welcoming sign that I am healing and will be enjoying more of these bright moments, in days and weeks to come. Just like Spring, when there are gorgeous, sunny days, followed by snowy, windy or cloudy rainy ones, followed by sunny days, again, I know that my feelings will vary hour-by-hour and day-by-day. And through it all, I will continue to do what I've been doing - take one moment at a time, making the most out of what I'm given, good, bad, or indifferent. And as I weather my personal storm, I know that days with beautiful rainbows are ahead of me, I've already seen a glimpse.

"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." - John Vance Cheney

One of Those Memory Triggers

Oops - there it goes again...
But this time it's both an "Everyday" and a "Sneaky" one...

Construction Work...  Considering how construction was Austin's last job, he had excelled in the Electrical Trade program in high school, and he was always doing at least one small electrical job for us, whenever he came to visit - I am never surprised that, when I see a construction crew, a thought of Austin is triggered.

Today's Surprise... Today, I am surprised by the sadness I feel, as I watch workers coming in and out of my house, working on the very small addition we are doing to our downstairs bathroom - basically bumping into the garage to add a large handicap shower. I feel as though Austin should be here walking through the house - laughing and working along side the crew. Afterall, a couple of the outlets they're moving are ones he installed. It's as if any second, I will see his handsome face and charming smile pop out the bathroom door to ask a question. While my mind imagines Austin as "one of the guys" and replays images of him working on those outlets only a year ago, my throat gets tight, tears flow, and I'm reminded how much I miss him... how much I'll always miss him.

"Suddenly here he is again. The chain of suggestion can begin almost anywhere: a phrase heard in a lecture, an unpainted board on a house, a lamp-pole, a stone. From such innocuous things my imagination winds its sure way to my wound. Everything is charged with the potential of a reminder. There's no forgetting." - Lament for a Son, by Nicholas Wolterstorff

Memory Triggers

"Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasures things." - Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal

The mind is a funny thing. You can be thinking about one topic and the next minute your mind has brought you somewhere else. It reminds me of the children's book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, which starts off:

If you give a Mouse a cookie, he's going to ask for a glass of milk. When you give him the milk, he'll probably ask you for a straw. When he's finished, he'll ask for a napkin. Then he'll want to look in a mirror, to make sure he doesn't have a milk mustache...

The story continues, with one thing leading the mouse to think of another, and then another. Until, it brings him full circle to wanting a glass of milk and then a cookie. Sometimes, that's how I feel my mind works, especially when it comes to thinking about Austin...

For instance, today I was sorting my bills and tax information, getting ready to pay bills and pull my tax data together. Mixed in with my W-2s were Austin's. As I looked at how much he had earned between January and June, I noticed that he had made the same amount at his part-time job (January-April), as he had at his full-time job (mid-May-June). This got me thinking, "Austin had worked so hard for the past three years, going to school and working, always being tight on money. He was just starting the next phase of his life - having a full-time job, which allowed him to have his own apartment and begin to get ahead with his finances. He was so excited to be on his own. And now, he'll never enjoy what he had worked so hard for..."

Before I knew what was happening, I had "Austin on the Brain" and those darn "sneaky tears" were sneaking down my face. (See previous blog "Who Opened the Dam?") Within a matter of ten minutes, I had moved from thinking about how quickly my bank balance drops when I pay bills to how Austin was missing the next part of his life, never to experience the rewards of his hard labor. Who would have thought such an event (paying bills) would be a trigger for thinking about Austin. Which now leads me to think about "Everyday" triggers and "Sneaky" triggers:

EVERYDAY TRIGGERS: I am rarely (if ever) surprised when these types of events, sights, sounds, and smells trigger a thought of Austin - because they were simply a part of Austin: Snowy days... camp fires... homemade macaroni and cheese... fruits and vegetables... grilled chicken, burgers, hot dogs... dirt bikes and motorcyles... Subarus... Shock Top beer... hikes in the woods... Golden Retrievers or any other big dog... obnoxious customer service that would make Austin shake his head... construction workers... certain songs... These things and Austin go hand-in-hand.

SNEAKY TRIGGERS: I am taken by surprise, may even be stopped in my tracks, when these random types of events, sights, sounds, and smells trigger thoughts of Austin.  I begin at one point, completely unrelated to Austin, and before I know it I'm being led me down a path and then another, ending up with "Austin on the brain": Paying bills... a comment someone makes... a voice that sounds like Austin.... building blocks in the boys' closet... an event that causes a "flash back" to Austin... It's more difficult to think of specifics, because these triggers are so random and unpredictable. They do not directly correlate to Austin's everyday life, but they'll pop up, stir up thoughts, and then disappear just as quickly.

Sometimes these triggers, Everyday or Sneaky, are welcomed and warm the heart immediately. Other times, they are an inconvenience, an uninvited visitor causing unexpected sadness, at an unplanned time. But even then, once the surprise ends, they are welcomed and make me smile - remembering Austin.

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." - from the televesion show "The Wonder Years"

What are your "Austin Triggers"? What memories help you hold onto Austin, even when he's not here with us?

Because of Austin's ability to live life to the fullest... he left me full of memories... I am so thankful for all of them... because of them, I will never lose Austin... he'll always be in my heart and memory!