Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Mind Games

I have a confession to make... I really can understand how when someone gets older, and their mind doesn't work as well, they think one of their loved ones, who they lost a long time ago, is still here. I have a feeling, that when I'm old and senile my mind will play those kind of tricks on me.

Senile (adj): mentally less acute later in life; forgetful, confused, or otherwise mentally less acute in later life.

Before anyone thinks I've already gone senile, I want to assure you I have not. It's just that there are days that I will think about Austin and it seems like he's still here. But then my thoughts will take me back to the morning of June 24th, when I was getting packed to come be with Austin after his accident.  I see myself sitting at the desk in "his room" - where I was pulling information from the computer that I was going to need while I was in NY with Austin as he was recuperating, when the phone rang. I hear the doctor telling me that Austin hadn't made it and I hear myself asking her, over and over, "Really, Austin's dead? Are you sure? Really? No, really? OK... really?" She kept asking if someone was with me. I said, no, but I could get someone, "but, really?"

That's when my mind reminds my heart that Austin is not here, really. And even then, I have to admit, I am still not able to completely grasp that Austin is gone... not just for a few months or years, but for good. He is gone forever. Really.

"It is the neverness that is so painful. Never again to be here with us... All the rest of our lives we must live without him... A month, a year, five years - with that I could live. But not this forever..." Exerpt from Lament for a Son, by Nicholas Wolterstorff

In my very first post, I included the above quote, and today it is still one that runs through my mind on a regular basis. "It is the neverness that is so painful...."

And so I wonder, will there come some point in my very old age, where my mind will decide to no longer hold onto that fact, that Austin is gone, forget about the neverness and just remember the times he was here? And, when I'm 90, if that happens, do me a favor and just play along... Really...

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